


The Me I'm Meant To Be

by Fricksgirl_32



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: 9/11, Angst, Arguing, Backstory, Birthday, Birthday Party, Blow Jobs, Bonding, Canon Backstory, Crying, Death, Denial, Dirty Talk, Drama, Drinking, Drugs, Explicit Language, F/M, Family Bonding, Fear, Hand Jobs, Hospital, Hotel Sex, Hotels, M/M, Marriage, Men Crying, Ocean, Oral Sex, Overdose, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pool Sex, Public Sex, Rehab, Religious Content, Secret Relationship, Sexual Tension, Suspense, Swimming, Swimming Pools, Tension, Tour, Tour Bus, Touring, Tragedy, Vaginal Sex, Weddings, Wet Dream, Worry, reconnecting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 36,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28045935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fricksgirl_32/pseuds/Fricksgirl_32
Summary: With Brian's wedding on the horizon, he's determined to end what he has going with Nick and find his way back on the straight and narrow. Along the way, Brian discovers who he truly is meant to be and that life isn't as straight as he had grown up to believe.
Relationships: Brian Littrell/Leighanne Littrell, Brian Littrell/Nick Carter, Howie Dorough/Leigh Dorough, Kevin Richardson/Kristin Richardson
Comments: 27
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

“Nick….Nick wait!” Brian exclaimed as he pushed the door out running towards the man who had stormed out just a few seconds ago. Brian had just announced his engagement to his girlfriend of two years and Nick hadn't taken the news well.

Nick stopped and waited for the other man to catch up with him, his body was still tense and stiff, hands fisted into balls. He felt the familiar hand of the older man on his arm quickly pulling away. Brian took a couple steps back giving him some room to breathe, he knew Nick’s body language better than anyone else and knew to back off. 

After a couple of tense filled moments, Nick finally spoke but never turned around. “Why?” 

“Why what?” Brian asked. 

“Why her? Why now?” Nick asked through gritted teeth. 

Taking a few tentative looks around them, Brian stepped forward keeping just mere inches between them. 

“Because I love her and why not?” Brian replied. “We aren’t getting married tomorrow Nick, it’ll be at least a year.” 

The blonde turned to face the man behind him, tears threatening to drop down those soft cheeks Brian loved so much. 

“Then what? What will happen with us?” Nick finally asked. 

Looking down not wanting to see the tears or the pain resonating in those blue eyes Brian whispered softly almost to where Nick could barely hear what he had said. 

“What we have going on needs to end Nick, it’s not right and I’ve let it go on longer than I ever should have.” 

Nick stood there dumbfounded by what he had just heard. How could he say something like that? After so long? After everything? 

“Wrong? You think what we have is wrong?” Nick snorted, his anger building and Brian could feel the heat coming off the other man. “Pretty sure it wasn’t ME who came to the room that night. Pretty sure it wasn’t ME who begged to be touched.” 

“Nick please….” Brian whimpered, looking around praying no one had heard him. 

Nick shook his head and gave off a very eerie chuckle, one full of malice and anger. “So what was I to you then? Just an experiment? A plaything that you’re now ready to throw away?” Nick asked, his voice dripping with spite. 

Brian’s head shot up, eyes wide that Nick would even think those things were true. He knew what they were doing was wrong and it was only supposed to be a one time thing, something Brian needed to get out of his system and prove to himself that he wasn’t attracted to other men, that he was the straight, good Southern boy he was raised to be. He didn’t know when it had happened but after that first night together, Brian had found himself slipping into Nick’s room almost every night after. It wasn’t anything new, the two had shared rooms many times when they were younger and had even done things with and to each other but things were different now, Brian had grown to love Nick beyond their friendship and that’s where the problem lied.

"No course not Nick and I'm sorry if I made it seem that way. You mean more to me than you'll ever know." Brian finally answered. 

"Then why haven't you told Leighanne about us?" 

Brian winced at the thought of Leighanne ever knowing what he had been doing behind her back. He’d been cheating on her the entire two years and struggled with it every step of the way, yet he couldn’t keep himself from stopping. 

“There’s nothing to tell her.” 

“Seriously?” Nick looked at the man before him shaking his head. “You’re so damn deep in denial you don’t see what’s in front of you.” 

“What’s in front of me was a mistake I made and am now ending it.” Brian replied, trying to sound firm but even he knew what he had said was wrong in his own ears. He didn’t want things to end but knew they needed to. 

Nick stood there, Brian’s words slapping him harder then any hand. He could feel the sting on his cheek as the sensation moved down into the blonde’s heart. Brian watched Nick’s face go from sadness to anger. 

“You know what, fuck you.” Nick growled. “I can have ANY woman I want so don’t think any of this is hurting me.” 

For the first time since Brian had gone after the blonde, tears found their way to the surface and down his cheeks, his heart breaking into a million pieces but he had to stay strong, had to listen to his head instead of his heart. Nick turned and headed the rest of the way down the sidewalk towards his car, he needed to get away from him. 

Brian was so lost in his own tears he didn’t feel the hand that had softly landed on his shoulder, not coming out of his world until the voice of the owner of the hand spoke. 

“You did what you felt was right.” Howie said. 

Turning his head, Brian looked at the man next to him. “Then why is my heart ripping itself apart?” 

Sighing softly, Howie pulled the dark haired man into his arms holding him tight, Brian burying himself into the warmth, tears falling faster as Brian broke completely in Howie’s arms. 

“It hurts because you love him, you’ve been there for him since day one. Hell, you were given guardianship over him because his parents couldn’t be bothered to go overseas with us.” Howie explained. 

“I never should have gone to him that night.” Brian hiccuped. 

Howie didn’t have an answer for him, sure they had all seen each other before. There had been plenty of nights at Lou’s place watching porn. Howie shook in disgust thinking about the man who had screwed them out of so much before putting his focus on the man in his arms. 

“All you can do is stay firm in your decision to end it, but please don’t drag him along.” 

Brian shook his head pulling away from his band mate looking into brown eyes that were full of worry and concern. “I won’t, I promise. I’m determined to stand behind what I’ve done. Thanks Howie.” 

The Latino nodded and hugged his friend once more before letting him go, Brian wiping his tears away and taking a deep breath. Howie reached up and laid his hand on Brian’s shoulder. 

“Come on, let's go get something to eat, the others have already left. My treat.” 

For the first time since Brian had made his announcement, a smile graced his face and nodded. He wasn’t about to pass up a free meal, especially since Howie was paying. The two friends headed down to their cars and drove off, Brian was still broken on the inside but felt a bit better after talking and crying his heart out.


	2. Chapter 2

Brian sighed softly as he looked out the small window of the plane, the last few months had been rough, especially between him and Nick. Since the interview they did back in Feb was released, the world knew about Brian’s plans to marry later that year, causing not just a rift between fans, but he could feel the wedge begin to grow between him and his best friend. For now, they were on their way to the Bahamas to begin writing for their next album, despite Millennium still doing so well but the record label felt they needed to strike again while the group was hot. However, the five were feeling the burnout after the constant seven year run with no stop. Rubbing his eyes, Brian tried to relax the rest of the flight. 

The first day was easy enough. AJ had dragged Nick along with him at Kevin’s advice to the store for food to give Brian a chance to breathe and calm down. Kevin was unpacking when he heard a soft knock on his door causing the older man to turn and smile. 

"Hey Cuz. You unpacked?" He asked. 

"Almost, can I talk to you?" Brian answered with his own question, moving into the spacious room. 

"Yes of course." Kevin nodded making room for the other man on the bed so they could sit together. "What's up?"

Kevin watched as the younger man struggled to find the right words. He knew the situation with Nick was still eating at him then there was the stress of planning the wedding on top of them trying to crank out another album so soon. Kevin waited though, patience wasn't his strongest skill but with his cousin he knew better than to push. 

"Am I a bad person?" Brian asked. 

Flabbergasted by the question, the dark haired man quickly shook his head. "No of course you're not!"

"Then why do I feel like this? I've been reading and praying for things to go back to normal and they haven't. I still feel those urges even though I know they're wrong. "

Kevin bit his lip not sure how to respond. Unlike Brian, Kevin had opened his mind past what he had been raised on and Kristin had a lot to do with that but those blue eyes..those eyes were begging for some clarity. Anything that might get Brian back on the straight and narrow after walking down a path that he saw as sin. 

"My beliefs are different now Bri so I'm at a loss on what to say. Just know that I love you just as much now as I ever have. You have my support always." 

Looking down at the soft carpet of the room Brian felt even more at a loss on what to do. He was drowning inside his own head afraid of losing the image he had created. Kevin wrapped his arm around Brian pulling him close.

"You know, if you told Leighanne maybe…" 

Brian quickly pulled away and stared at him. "No! She can't know, no one can. You three are lucky you know." 

"Kinda hard not to pick up on something. We've only been on top of each other for the last seven years." 

Brian sighed and calmed down. "I'm sorry." 

Kevin waved him off. "Don't worry about it. I know this is still hurting you and Nick. We can see the pain in both your eyes." 

"I never wanted to hurt him, please believe me." Brian pleaded looking into Kevin's soft green eyes. 

"I know that and deep down he does too, he's trying to find his way just like you are."

The sudden noise from the hallway caught the men's attention causing them both to look over seeing Howie in the doorway. 

"Nick and AJ are back and they need help." Howie announced. 

"What the hell did they buy, the entire store?" Kevin asked. 

"Hey it was your bright idea to send the babies." Howie countered. 

"Touché my friend. Give us a minute and we'll be down to help." 

With a nod of acknowledgement Howie was gone again. Kevin turned back towards the man sitting next to him and cleared his throat. 

"You can't keep avoiding him." 

Taking a deep breath, Brian nodded knowingly. "Yeah, I know." The two stood and headed out of the bedroom and down the hall towards the front door. Nick and Brian's eyes met for a second before the older man turned his attention elsewhere following his cousin out the door. 

Between the five of them it didn't take long to get everything into the kitchen and put away before settling on dinner that night. Once everyone was fed, the five men settled in the living room to relax before bed, doing their own thing while the TV provided some noise. 

A few hours later, Brian found himself in his room on the phone with Leighanne talking about the wedding but his mind had long since checked out of the conversation. It was down the hall where his other blonde beauty was resting. 

“Brian, did you hear me?” Leighanne asked, a bit of frustration in her voice. He had been fading in and out of the conversation the entire time they had been talking. 

Shaking his head, he rubbed his eyes trying to hold in a sigh. “I’m sorry sweetie, guess I’m more tired then I realized. What did you say?” 

“I was saying I’ve found the perfect invitations to send out.” Leighanne repeated herself, trying to keep the frustration out of her soft voice. 

“That’s wonderful Babe, one less thing to worry about. What do they look like?” Brian asked, trying to keep his mind with her. 

He could tell she had relaxed herself, her voice flowing into his ears like soft silk. “Since you’re giving me my fairytale wedding, they look like scrolls. I thought it would be fun to have them delivered by hand.” 

“Or simply have them sent in the mail.” Brian teased playfully, her soft laughter relaxing his heart and mind. 

“Guess you’re right, that would be easier. But what do you think?” She asked, a bit of hopefulness in her voice he would approve the choice. 

“Sounds perfect.” Brian replied, quickly moving his phone away from his ear as Leighanne squealed happily in delight, making him chuckle and shake his head. He truly did want to give her the wedding of her dreams and he was willing to drop as much money as he needed to bring that dream to reality. 

Once calmed down, Leighanne cleared her throat, a bit of giggle still lingering. “So I’ll get an invite list going then we can go over it together.” 

“I’m sorry I can’t be there..” 

“Don’t, you have a job to do. I’ll be fine. Mom and my sisters are helping me out.” Leighanne smiled. “Plus you are helping when I can get you to pay attention.” 

Brian’s face went red, if she only knew the real reason his mind kept drifting off. “I promise to be better about it. I just have a lot on my mind right now.” 

“I know you do baby, why don’t I get off here so you can get some sleep. You have to be tired after the flight.” 

“I am pretty tired.” Brian admitted, giving off a soft yawn. “I love you Leighanne.” 

“I love you too. Night.” 

“Night.” 

The connection went dead and Brian sighed plugging the device in and setting it on the nightstand. His eyes were heavy but his mind was running and he knew he was in for a long night. 

Tossing and turning was not Brian's idea of a good night's sleep yet here he was wide awake staring at the ceiling as his mind ran wild. It had been seven years since he had had a bed to himself and he didn't like it. He wanted to be curled up next to Nick's warm body but he refused to move, refused to give into the urges he was trying so hard to ignore and push away. He forced his eyes closed just to have them instantly pop back open. He growled and threw the blankets off him sitting up and groaning, his hand rubbing his face.

He wasn't sure exactly what force of nature got him up out of bed and down the hall but he soon found himself in front of Nick's door, his hand right above the knob ready to turn it. 

"Last time Littrell..seriously." He said to himself as he lowered his hand to the knob and turned it quietly. 

He slipped in and shut the door before turning to see his baby laying in bed sound asleep, his arms and legs sprawled out taking up as much of the bed as he could reach. Brian had to chuckle, Nick had always been a stretcher and Brian had found himself at the edge of the bed with either an arm or a foot in his back more times then he could count. A wave of sadness washed over him thinking back to those not so long ago times when sleeping together had been innocent. He had watched Nick grow from a young teen into this beautiful creature that was now before him. He had tried so hard to ignore his feelings for the blonde, but the temptation to be with Nick had finally won out. 

Slowly, he made his way to the bed, sliding in next to the sleeping man the best he could considering the positions Nick was in, Brian trying to ignore the fact Nick was only in a pair of boxers. Nick felt the bed shift causing him to shift but didn’t wake up. 

Leaning down, Brian nuzzled up against the other man gently hearing Nick groan softly. “Nick…” 

The blonde began to move his body, his arm bumping up against Brian causing him to open his eyes and quickly sit up.

“The fuck Brian?!” Nick almost yelled. 

Backing away, Brian lowered his head giving Nick a moment to calm down. He hadn’t meant to scare him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“What are you doing in here?” Nick asked, ignoring Brian’s weak attempt at an apology. 

“I….I couldn’t sleep.” Brian bit his lip, praying Nick wouldn’t send him away. 

“So what, you thought you could waltz in and I’d pull you into my arms?” Nick asked, his voice as cold as his words were. 

Brian shivered feeling the coldness. “I...It’s been seven years since I’ve slept alone, I’m not used to it.” 

“And that’s my problem how?” 

“Nick...Please don’t do this.” 

“Don’t do what? You’re the one too chicken shit to admit you’re attracted to men as well as women.” 

“I’m not” Brian insisted, “and what about you?” 

Nick laughed and shook his head. “ You’re the only man I’ve ever been attracted to, you were my one exception, the one I’d willingly have a relationship with.” 

“But it’s wrong.” Brian mumbled softly. 

“It’s only wrong because someone told you it was wrong. It wouldn’t be wrong if those people were living that life.” 

Brian’s head shot up, his face hard and curled up in anger. “How dare you talk about those who helped shape who I am!” 

“Who you are? You have no idea who you really are.” 

“I shouldn’t have come in here.” Brian said getting off the bed and heading for the door. 

“Yeah, run away like you always do.”

Brian quickly opened the door and went out, closing it before sliding down the frame to the floor, legs pulled up as he buried his head into them letting the tears flow.


	3. Chapter 3

Brian shifted slightly as he stretched out feeling the softness of the mattress under him and the blankets above causing him to open his eyes, allowing them to focus on where he was. He was back in a bedroom but it wasn’t his and how did he get there? Last thing he remembered was falling to the floor in front of Nick’s door before he had cried himself to sleep curled up. He got his answer when he tried to roll over being stopped by something solid. Turning his head, his eyes went wide seeing Nick laying beside him, sleeping peacefully. How the hell had Nick gotten the door opened and him into bed without Brian waking up? 

Not wanting to ruin the moment, Brian took a chance and carefully slid closer to the younger man, gently laying his head on Nick’s chest like he had done so many other times, the heat from Nick’s body wrapping around him like a blanket. Much to Brian’s surprise and delight, he watched the other man’s arm wrap around him and pull him closer. Brian’s entire body went lax as he drifted back to sleep. 

A few hours later, Brian reached out feeling a cool empty spot next to him. His eyes opened, he was alone in the room and had been for a while just from the feel of the coldness on the sheets. Pulling the covers back, Brian swung his legs over the side and stretched before getting up, moving out of the room, and down the hall to change. Once dressed for the day, he grabbed his phone and checked it before going out and down the hall towards the living room where he heard the others talking among themselves. 

“Well, sleeping beauty has finally risen.” AJ taunted, getting one of the ugliest glares known to mankind. 

“We were getting worried.” Howie interjected. “Are you okay?” 

Brian nodded as he moved over to the couch sitting down, AJ making room for him. “Yeah, just a long night.” 

“Well, we are happy you are up and we can really get started.” Kevin chimed in, always one to get down to business. 

Groaning softly, Brian rubbed his face and nodded knowing better than to argue with the older man. The day slipped away as they worked together and alone getting full and partial songs done. They worked through lunch and it wasn't until AJ's stomach loudly reminded them they hadn't eaten since. 

Now Brian found himself working on dinner for the group. Of the five, Brian, Howie, and Kevin were determined to keep the younger two out of the kitchen knowing neither could cook and didn't want to risk a fire. Brian was in his own world moving through the kitchen with ease as if it was second nature to him just like singing was. He was at the stove when he felt something warm up against him making him freeze, he’d know that warmth anywhere. He tried to calm his now rapid beating heart and breathing before speaking. 

“What cha need?” Brian asked. 

Nick leaned down, his eyes keeping focus on the three men engulfed in the program they were watching before replying back. “You know exactly what I need but since that’s not gonna happen, we do need to talk about last night.” 

Brian nodded in agreement much faster then he wanted, but he needed Nick to move away from him before he turned around and pinned the blonde against the counter. Taking one last glance into the living room, Nick ran his hand across Brian’s ass feeling the older man’s body tense up. Nick smirked before moving away and heading back into the living room. Brian let out the breath he had been holding in, his fingers white from gripping the counter so tightly. Finally getting himself under control, he finished dinner setting everything on the table and called for the guys.

That night, Brian sat on Nick’s bed head down, playing with his hands waiting for the younger man to appear. It didn’t take long and he felt the bed shift under Nick’s weight, the air around them thick as fog. 

“So, what happened last night?” Brian asked, finally breaking the silence between them. “It’s not exactly like I’m a heavy sleeper like Kev.” 

“No, you woke up but you were still pretty out of it after crying. I couldn’t let you sleep on the floor. When I had opened the door you were stretched out and I was able to wake you up long enough to help you up and into the bed. You went straight back to sleep as soon as I laid down next to you.” Nick explained. 

“I always slept the best when you were beside me.” Brian mumbled. 

The bed shifted and Brian suddenly felt the warmth of Nick’s body next to him. Biting his lip, the brown haired man took a chance and looked up, meeting a pair of blue eyes, Nick was so close, it would have been so easy to press his lips against Nick’s. 

“Brian..” Nick whispered softly. 

“Yeah?” Brian replied. 

Nick’s lips brushed against Brian’s sending a shock and shiver through his entire body but Brian pulled away letting out a heavy sigh. 

“Nick, we can’t.” 

Pulling back, Nick looked at the man before him, heart broken but nodded. “Okay Bri, you know best and I’m not going to risk what I do have left with you.” 

“I’m sorry.” Brain whimpered, still feeling those soft lips that had brushed up against his. 

Nick shook his head. “Don’t be, just please don’t push me away.” 

“Course not, I still need you.” 

Nick smiled and pulled Brian into his arms hugging him tight, Brian returning the hug as they sat there holding each other close. They finally pulled away looking at each other. 

“I guess I should try to sleep in my own room tonight.” 

“Yeah, but just know my door is always opened to you.” 

Brian smiled and nodded. “Thanks.” 

They hugged one last time before Brian got up and left the room heading down the hallway to his own. Closing the door and leaning back against it, he looked at the empty bed before him and instantly regretted leaving Nick’s room. Pushing himself off the door, Brian stripped and laid in the cool sheets trying to fall asleep. 

Over the month, the group worked long and hard but also found days to relax and enjoy the Bahamas. The tension between Nick and Brian had lessened much to the relief of the others. They hated seeing the two best friends at odds with each other and were happy to see they had seemingly worked things out for the most part. 

Brian had found himself in Nick’s bed more nights then he had wanted but the blonde never turned him away as they cuddled against each other, the others never saying anything about it when the two would emerge from the room together, but Howie was still concerned. With Kevin’s wedding just a few weeks away, they had decided to head home to get ready for the big day. Howie walked down the hall to Brian’s room and knocked on the door, he wanted to talk to his younger brother before they left. Brian turned and smiled waving the older man in. 

“Hey, what’s up?” Brian asked, a content smile on his face. Howie was happy to see it but the worry was still evident on his face. “What is it D?” 

“I’m just checking on you. I know you and Nick patched things up but…” 

Brian sighed softly, Howie meant well and Brian knew that. He knew the other man didn’t want to see him or Nick get hurt. “I know it looks bad and I know I promised you but I swear I’m not dragging him along. He knows the boundaries and he’s respected them.” 

“So sleeping with him..” Howie trailed off, his face a slight red. 

“Nothing’s happened D.” Brian reassured looking at the other man. “It’s a comfort thing for me more than anything. You know I’ve rarely slept alone since we started this journey.” 

Howie nodded knowingly. “I know and I know a sudden change like that is a shock to the system and routine.” 

“It is, I slept like shit those few nights I was in here alone. I tried so hard to keep myself in my room but I knew I’d be useless to you guys if I didn’t get my sleep.” 

“I understand.” Howie gave a soft smile. “I just care.” 

Brian nodded and pulled him into a hug. “I know and I appreciate it more than you know.” 

Howie hugged him back before letting him go both smiling happily. “Guess I better finish packing. We gotta get back so we can get that cousin of yours hitched.” 

Brian laughed and nodded. “Yeah we do.” 

With that, Howie turned and walked out, leaving Brian to finish packing, smile on his face. Knowing he had the support of his other brothers meant the world to him, but his mind was still speaking louder than his heart. He had to find a way to push those feelings he had for Nick down and bury them, he just had to.


	4. Chapter 4

The wedding was beautiful, small and very private with the Kentucky hillsides around them something Brian would have happily agreed to but knew Leighanne wanted to go all out for their big day and he wasn't one to tell her no. Standing at the table sipping his drink Brian watched his love mingle with the family. He felt the presence of another join him as he looked over seeing his Father next to him. 

"Beautiful wedding." Harold commented. 

Brian nodded in agreement. "Very, I'm so happy for them." 

"Yes." The older man agreed. 

After a few moments Harold looked at his youngest. "And what about you? Ready to take the plunge?" 

Looking at his future wife from across the way laughing and enjoying herself, Brian couldn’t help but let his eyes soften and his heart melt. Yes, he was ready, but he was nervous as well. 

“I am, but I’m scared shi…” Brian stopped himself, clearing his throat as a soft blush hit his face. 

Harold chuckled and clasped his hand on his boy’s shoulder. “I would be questioning things if you weren’t nervous.” 

Brian gave a soft laugh and nodded. Harold looked into his son’s eyes seeing something off. “Son, is there something wrong?” 

It was a loaded question, one Brian knew he couldn’t fully answer. If his parents ever found out he had been with another man, even if that man had been Nick, the disappointment on their faces was something he couldn’t handle. 

His son’s silence was unnerving and the older man hated seeing the conflict in those blue eyes of his boy. Not sure what else to do to comfort the younger man, Harold pulled him into his arms holding him close, Brian letting his Father hug him. 

“It’ll be okay Brian.” 

Brian closed his eyes and sighed softly. “I know, I think I’m just stressed with everything going on.” 

Harold nodded and let his boy go, feeling Brian pull away. “Everything will work out son, it always does.” 

“You’re right.” Brian smiled. “I just hope I can be what she needs me to be.” 

“You will be, just keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t lose that love or playfulness.” Harold encouraged. “Also remember, don’t push your friends away. You need to still have those relationships near as well.” 

Brian looked at his Father slightly confused. “Shouldn’t I put Leighanne first?” 

“Not at the expense of your friendships, you need both in your life. It’s all about balance and communication. Just something to think about.” 

With that, Harold moved away to find Jackie leaving his son with his thoughts. Brian set his glass down on the table and made his way over to the happy couple, smiling seeing Leighanne with them. 

“Hey cuz!” Kevin smiled, pulling him into a hug. 

“Hey, congrats man.” Brian replied, hugging back before letting go and looking at Kristin. 

“Guess I should officially welcome you to the family.” 

Kristin smiled and pulled him into a hug. “Thanks Bri.” 

The new cousins pulled away as Leighanne moved over to Brian, wrapping her arm around him. Brian smiled and pulled her in, Kevin and Kristin both smiling happily. 

Across the way, Nick watched quietly, his eyes dark with jealousy and anger. He was so engrossed in what Brian was doing, he didn’t flinch when AJ moved beside him looking out as well, spotting what Nick was staring at. 

“Oh the web we weave.” AJ said. 

Turning his head, Nick scoffed and turned towards the table grabbing another glass of wine and downing it, setting the glass back onto the table. 

“Whatever, I don’t really care.” Nick grumbled. 

The laugh from the other man caused Nick to glare at his companion. 

“What’s so funny?” 

AJ let out a breath as he laughed. “You not caring, you know damn well you not only care but you’re jealous.” 

Nick’s defenses fell as he slumped back against the table, arms crossed over his chest as he looked longingly over at the man who was still standing with his cousins and soon to be wife. AJ looked up at the man next to him, his hand finding its way to the blonde’s back, rubbing it in comfort. 

“You knew this was gonna happen, he’s smitten with her. Has been since we did that video.” 

Sighing, Nick looked away. “Yeah, I know.” 

After a few moments, Nick looked at AJ. "Hey I think I'm gonna head back to the hotel." 

AJ nodded and watched the younger man slip away into the crowd and sighed softly. If Nick had reacted like this now, how was he gonna react when Brian's wedding happened.

Nick got out of the limo that had taken him to the wedding and kept his head down, hands in his coat pockets. A small metal box brushed up against his fingers. He knew he was risking a lot but if they hadn't caught on by now, Nick figured they weren't going to. 

Finding a dark area near the hotel, Nick pulled out the metal box and opened it. Pulling out one of the rolled papers, Nick slipped it into his mouth and lit it, taking a drag and blowing out the smoke as the familiar sensation of numbness moved over his body. He closed his eyes as he took another drag. 

“Had I known you were going to sneak off to get high, I would have slipped out with you.” A familiar voice suddenly spoke. 

The voice didn’t phase Nick as he finished off his joint. “When did you start smoking?” 

Moving over to the younger man, AJ chuckled softly. “Gotta do something to take the edge off.” 

“And forget things.” Nick mumbled. 

“That too, look let's go up to my room and we can enjoy ourselves.” 

For the first time since AJ had joined him, Nick turned to look at the older man. “Yeah cuz no one will catch on to what’s going on.” 

AJ chuckled and patted the other man’s shoulder. “Oh young grasshopper, so much to learn, so little time.” 

With that, AJ directed Nick towards the doors of the hotel and up to his room. Digging through his bag, AJ sprayed the room and the two men enjoyed themselves, forgetting their troubles and worries, both passing out late into the night.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few months provided enough distraction for Brian to keep his mind off of Nick and on work as well as his wedding. It was at night when his mind would run, Nick was always just a floor or two away. He was always so close, yet so far away. 

Brian groaned as he rubbed his eyes, they were in Sweden working on their new album but he was struggling to stay in his room at night. It had been another long night of very little sleep and the coffee was not working. They were almost done with the album but there was still so much to do when he got home. He and Leighanne had already found a home in the Georgia countryside. Forty acres of land with a large pond and a decent sized house, one that could easily be expanded if they wanted to add square footage. 

Kevin sat down next to his cousin making Brian look over at the older man. He could see the exhaustion in Brian’s blue eyes and it worried him. He knew the younger man was trying to put some distance between himself and the blonde or at least not be so dependent on Nick. 

“I hate seeing you like this cuz.” Kevin sighed softly. “What would one night do?” 

“Undo months of trying to pull away.” Brian replied. 

“Bri..” Kevin reached out but saw the other man pull away. 

“I’ll be fine, I just need a minute.” Brian insisted, taking another drink of his coffee. 

Sighing, Kevin nodded and headed back into the recording booth, Brian following soon after. Finally, recording was done and the guys were happy with what they had. With growling stomachs, the five decided to grab something to eat before heading back to the hotel. They were seated and drink orders were taken before they settled into soft conversation while looking over the menu. 

“So, what do you guys think of this new album?” Howie asked, setting his menu down. 

“I really think it’ll do well.” Kevin commented. 

“It really feels like a second Millennium, a 2.0 if you will.” AJ quipped.

Thinking back to a few of the songs they are decided on, Howie let out a lighthearted laugh. “You’re right, a lot of the songs are similar to those on Millennium.” 

“Let’s hope we get the same response.” Kevin added. 

As the three men chatted happily, Nick looked over at Brian. He hated seeing the older man like he was. He knew Brian had a lot on his plate right now, some of it he didn’t want to think about, but he could also feel the weight of their jobs bearing down on all of them. It had been non stop since they had started and that pressure was about to flatten all of them. 

“Bri..” Nick said softly, his hand slipping under the table and over the other man’s leg, watching Brian jump slightly. 

“Huh?” Brian asked, his eyes heavy. 

Lowering his voice, Nick leaned over and whispered. “Please come back to my room so you can sleep.” 

Shaking his head, Brian sat up straight trying to keep himself composed. “No, I have to get past this. I can’t keep relying on you.” 

It hurt, hurt more than Nick ever thought it would. He liked being relied on, liked knowing he was the one giving Brian the comfort he needed when he was away from home and Leighanne. Swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat, Nick sat back up, his hand moving away from Brian hearing the older man give off a low whimper at the loss. 

Nick went back to his menu ignoring the man next to him as he made conversation with the others, leaving Brian to his own devices. If he didn’t want Nick’s help, then so be it. The group ate and headed back to the hotel, Brian so out of it he didn’t remember getting to his room or opening his door. He slipped out of his shoes and fell into bed, allowing his eyes to finally close. 

Brian sat there looking at the woman in front of him. Out? She wanted him to go out? Their wedding was in two days and all he wanted to do was chill at home. 

"Babe, I really just want to stay home." Brian finally spoke. 

"I know but Harry and the guys are really excited to take you out. Besides, I'm going out so you'll be here alone." Leighanne tried to reason. 

Brian sighed softly. "I'm just not a partier. I'd rather stay home and watch ESPN." 

"Rather stay home and watch ESPN" They both said at the same time, Leighanne rolling her eyes playfully. 

"At least you know I'm not running around on ya." Brian playfully joked. 

The smile fell quickly from his face seeing the anger on Leighanne's

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked, arms crossed over her chest. 

"Nothing baby, it was just a bad joke." Brian hastily replied. "You know I'd never do anything to hurt you."

Leighanne sighed and let her guard down. She knew he was kidding but it had triggered something inside her. Brian quickly got up and moved around to where she was wrapping his arms around her. 

"Baby, I didn't mean anything by it." Brian whispered softly against her neck. 

She leaned back against him melting into his arms and warmth. She had never felt this safe or loved with any man she'd ever been with. 

"I'm sorry love, we just have so many against us, even within my own family." Leighanne sighed, feeling Brian's arms tighten around her. 

"I know and we are gonna show them all how wrong they are." 

Turning, Leighanne wrapped her arms around the man she loved and kissed him softly, Brian happily responding keeping her close. They pulled away and laid their foreheads against each other looking into the others eyes. 

“I love you Leigh.” Brian said softly. 

“I love you too Bri.” Leighanne replied. “The boys will be here in about an hour.” 

“Wait..What?” Brian asked, thoroughly confused. 

Leighanne grinned and pulled away from him heading up the stairs, blowing him a kiss. “Have a great time baby, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Shaking his head with a soft smile on his face, Brian headed up himself to get ready. He should have known he was going out whether he wanted to or not. 

To say Brian was shocked was an understatement, Harry and the others had reserved a place at his favorite restaurant and now they were out on the golf course. As they were walking towards the next hole, Harry wrapped his arm around his little brother’s shoulders. 

“I can’t believe you thought we’d drag you to a bar.” Harry chuckled. 

Brian turned his head, raising a brow. “Have you forgotten what happened at Kev’s party?” 

Harry laughed and shook his head. “So he wanted to have one last wild night before his big day, we knew you wouldn’t go for that.” 

Brian smiled gratefully as they finished up their game and headed back. He looked back at the men in the cart with him and behind them. 

“Thanks guys so much, it really has been a great day.” 

“And it’s not over!” AJ grinned, getting a slap from Howie. 

Brian looked between the three men with him. “Okay, what’s going on?” 

Harry pulled the cart back into its spot, Kevin pulling his right beside them before he looked at his brother. “We do want to take you out for a few drinks.” 

Howie glared at his best friend as AJ continued to rub his arm. “What?” 

“You just had to open your big mouth.” Howie huffed seeing Kevin and Nick join them at the cart. 

“Everything okay?” Kevin asked. 

“Mr. Big Mouth here blew what we had planned.” Howie replied, nodding towards AJ. 

The younger man rolled his eyes. “One mistake and I get crucified.” 

Nick looked at the brown haired man in the front of the cart wanting to wrap his arms around him but with Harry there, he knew he couldn’t.

“What do you say Bri? Just a couple of drinks to end the day then you can go home.” Nick encouraged. 

Brian looked around him and sighed softly. “Okay, but just a couple!” 

With happy cheers, the group headed back towards the cars and drove off. Those couple of drinks turned into four or five and Brian was completely relaxed and gone. It had been a great time, but they could tell Brian needed to get home and sleep it off, Nick offering to take him back since he and Howie had decided to be the designated drivers, both only having a couple of beers. Nick wrapped his arm around Brian as he led him into the house, Brain groaning loudly. 

“Come on baby, work with me here.” Nick said softly. It was slow but Nick was able to get Brian up the stairs as the older man swayed and leaned his body heavily against Nick’s own. Once in the Master Bedroom, Nick carefully laid the older man down and knelt down taking his shoes off setting them on the floor. Next, he sat on the side of the bed biting his lip as he reached up and unbuckled Brian’s belt, unbuttoning his pants, and pulling them down gently. He laid them onto the ground trying to keep his breathing light and his heart from frantically beating. Pulling the blankets up over him, Nick turned and started to head out when he heard a soft whimper from the bed. 

“Nicky..” Brian said softly. 

Nick stopped and closed his eyes, he hated that name, always had. It made him feel like a child, but when Brian said it it was different. Normally the older man would be on the brink of release when he said it, but now Brian was calling for him for a different reason. 

“Nicky, please.” Brian pleaded. 

It really wasn’t a hard decision as Nick slipped his shoes off along with his pants and shirt, laying down. Brian instantly slipped back against the younger man, Nick wrapping his arm around Brian’s waist. 

“I love you.” 

Nick swallowed the lump in his throat trying to keep the tears from surfacing. They had said it to each other before, but it still hurt knowing he had to share Brian and his love. Even though Nick had been doing so for the last two years, with Brian getting married everything was going to be different. 

“I love you too Bri.” Nick finally replied, his nose nuzzling into the soft brown hair. “I always will.” The two men fell asleep together for the first time since the Bahamas. Sleeping better then they had in months. 

Brian groaned the next morning, the sun streaming through the curtains right into his face. He slowly opened his eyes, instantly regretting it as his head began to throb. He shifted slightly feeling something solid behind him, slowly turning over he gulped seeing the blonde sleeping next to him. His heart began to race seeing Nick sleeping peacefully, his arm draped around Brian's middle. 

Brian reached up and slowly traced Nick's face gently moving down his cheek and over his jawline. Nick sighed softly in his sleep pulling Brian closer to him. Biting his lip and ignoring the hammering headache he gently ran his fingers across those soft lips he loved. He suddenly felt fingers graze his lower back making him gasp slightly. 

Blue eyes opened as Nick wrapped his lips around Brian's fingers sucking gently. Nick kept his eyes on Brian as his tongue swirled around the tips of them. Brian groaned as he pushed up against the blonde. 

"Nick.." 

The younger man let the fingers go as his hand slipped into Brian's boxers rubbing the roundness he found. Knowing better but always pushed the boundaries, Nick slipped a finger between the cheeks of Brian's ass. 

"Nick…." Brian warned. 

Pulling away and giving a soft inner huff Nick moved his hand down to Brian's sack gently cradling them hearing the moan above him and legs spreading for him. 

"Fuck I've missed you." Nick groaned as he sat up and crawled over the other man taking his mouth into a searing kiss, his hand still massaging the orbs. 

Brian arched and wrapped his arms around Nick pulling him closer. Tongues danced and explored as Brian's hands moved down Nicks bare back and over his ass getting a groan from the man above him. Nick in turn let go of Brian's sack and moved his hand up the base of Brian's cock. 

Pulling away, Brian looked up into a pair of dark blue eyes. He knew Nick wanted more but he couldn't bring himself to give in, it was bad enough with what they were doing. Nick moved down to kiss on Brian's neck being rewarded with a groan. 

"Baby what do you want?" Nick asked, sucking and licking on the soft skin.

Brian arched and whined but Nick pulled away and looked down at him shaking his head. "You promised."

Brian reached up and ran his hand through Nick's blonde locks pushing him down under the blankets. "Suck me….lil boy." 

A groan was heard as Brian's boxers were pulled down and off. It wasn't long and Brian felt the familiar warmth around him, his hand gripping the blonde locks tight. 

"Good boy." Brian praised. 

Nick closed his eyes and focused on the thickness in his mouth moving his tongue around the head. Before long Brian was arching up into the younger man's mouth moaning as he thickened inside the warmth a clear sign he was close. It had simply been way too long to draw their playtime out like they usually did plus he had no idea when Leighanne would be home. 

Nick knew it was going to be a quick play session and he was okay with that, he was just happy to be with his love again. Nick pulled off and ran his tongue down the underside of Brian’s cock and to his balls, taking them into his mouth and sucking. 

“OH NICKY!!” Brian cried out, pushing down against Nick. 

Nick quickly moved back up and slid down Brian’s cock once again wanting that creaminess in his mouth. He sucked earnestly as he pulled Brian over, loving the sound of the older man under him. After a few moments, Nick pulled away and slipped back up covering Brian like a blanket as the shorter man tried to calm down. Nick leaned down and nuzzled him gently. 

“Shhh baby, nice and slow.” Nick whispered softly. 

If Brian’s head wasn’t throbbing before, it absolutely was now. He slowly opened his eyes being greeted by warm eyes and a soft smile. 

“Hey handsome.” Nick smiled. 

“God Nicky.” 

Nick leaned down and kissed him softly before moving away hearing Brian whimper behind him. 

“I’ll be right back.” He reassured, going into the bathroom and coming back with a warm cloth, cleaning Brian gently and tossing the rag before laying down. 

“What about..” Brian moved his hand down Nick’s hip but was stopped. 

“I’ll be fine, you need to sleep the rest of your hangover off.” 

“Stay with me?” Brian asked, his eyes soft but heavy. 

Nick nodded and held him close, humming softly to him as Brian drifted off to sleep once again. A few hours later, Brian woke up alone and his face fell, he figured Nick would leave once he had fallen back to sleep, but it didn’t stop the hurt he felt. Getting up, he made his way to the bathroom to take something to finish off the headache and clean up knowing the rehearsal dinner was later that day. He was ready to get married and hoped it would help him forget how he felt about Nick and finally be able to let him go.


	6. Chapter 6

Nick looked at himself in the full figure mirror, he didn’t exactly look his best but he wasn’t exactly excited to be there either. He buttoned his white shirt leaving the top undone and slipped his black coat on letting out a heavy sigh as the other night and morning played in his head like it had so many other times since it had happened. Was that really the last time? Would he ever be that close to the other man ever again? The blonde was so lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t hear the door open or close. He didn’t realize anyone was in the room with him until he felt a pair of arms wrap around him. 

“Hey.” Brian said softly, laying his head against Nick’s back. 

“What are you doing in here?” Nick asked. 

“I wanted to check on you, I know this is hard for you.” 

Nick rolled his eyes, thankful the other man couldn’t see the anger welling up on his face. “It wouldn’t have to be if you would just tell her.” 

He heard the heavy sigh and the tightening of the arms around him, Brian buried his face into Nick’s back, mumbling softly. “You know I can’t, I’d lose her and...” 

Brian felt Nick pull away from him. “And what Brian?” Nick asked, “afraid the fans may see you as an actual human being and not this perfect angel they all think you are?” 

Brian looked down at the floor. “It’s not that.” 

“THEN WHAT IS IT BRIAN?!” Nick yelled making the man in front of him wince. “FOR TWO YEARS YOU’VE BEEN RUNNING BETWEEN THE BOTH OF US!” 

“Nick please, someone could hear you.” Brian whimpered softly. 

Nick gave off a soft sarcastic laugh. “And here I truly thought I was more important to you then your reputation, but I guess I should have known better. Go get married, I don’t give a fuck anymore.” 

Tears fell from Brian’s eyes and down his cheeks, his world was crumbling and he didn’t know how to fix it. “What are you saying?” 

Taking a deep breath, Nick replied. “I’m saying I’m done. I’m not gonna be your side piece anymore.” With that, Nick pushed passed the older man, slamming the door behind him making Brian jump from the noise. It was in that moment Brian decided it was time to grow up, time to mature and put his focus and priorities elsewhere. 

Nick found his seat in one of the rows of pews and sat down not speaking to anyone, his heart was breaking but he was too pissed off to care about it or what was going on around him. The next few hours were like a blur to Nick, he smiled and played his part for the cameras, pretending to be happy for his best friend when in reality he had gone completely numb and couldn’t wait to get out of the church, ready to truly numb the pain the best way he knew how. 

Nick made his way back home the next day and lost track of time, smoking his cares away, Brian was on his honeymoon in Fiji but Nick knew here soon the group would be back together to shoot the video for their first single off their new album. For now, Nick slumped down into his chair, the smell of the smoke surrounding him and the room. 

Footsteps were heard moving across the littered floor but they weren't registering with the man slumped down in the chair. The place had been trashed with bottles, wrappers, and other objects that were broken. The hand reached down and shook the blonde man in the chair. 

"Nick..Nick wake up." The voice said. 

Groaning Nick tried to push the hand away missing and hitting nothing but air. "Go away Brian, go be Mr. Perfect." 

AJ sighed and shook harder speaking a bit louder. "Nick come on buddy." Nick finally opened his eyes looking up as the fogginess began to lift and the room came into focus. 

“Aje, what are you doing here?” Nick mumbled. 

“We haven’t heard from you since the wedding.” AJ replied. 

“The wedding? It was just yesterday.” Nick looked at the tattooed man confused. 

“Bro, the wedding was a week ago.” AJ sighed. 

“A week?” 

Nick looked around his living room, seeing it trashed. He groaned as his body stretched out, it was stiff from sleeping in the same position for so long. Once he was stretched out he carefully got up, his head pounding but he looked at the man beside him. 

“What the hell happened here?” Nick asked, thoroughly confused on what was going on around him. A week? He lost a week? 

Looking around, AJ put his hands on his hips. “Well, from the looks of it. You came home, smoked and drank your sorrows away, then broke some things in your anger.” 

Nick groaned and rubbed his eyes getting the first real smell of himself pulling his hand away. “God I stink.” 

“Mean, I’m not gonna tell you you smell like a bed of roses or anything. Look, go get a shower and we’ll clean up this place.” AJ suggested. 

Nodding, Nick made his way to his bedroom to clean up and shower. Twenty minutes later, Nick reappeared freshly dressed, shaved, and clean. He came back down the stairs seeing that AJ had already started to clean up the trash, grabbing a bag and helping. It took about an hour to get it all done, but the two men finally had it as clean as possible, both falling onto the now cleaned off couch. 

“We’ve been so damn worried about you.” AJ suddenly said. “Guess I know why you hadn't been answering since I found your phone in pieces.” 

Nick sighed and looked down, his head still throbbing. “Yeah, I threw it during one of my moments. I was tired of it ringing and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.” 

“You know he’s worried about you.” AJ said after a few moments of silence between them. 

“Yeah, I bet he is.” Nick scoffed. 

AJ turned to look at the blonde. “Nick, he still cares about you, I know it still hurts but he does.” 

“Whatever.” 

Sighing, AJ got up and looked down at his little brother. “You can’t avoid him, we are going to LA in a few days for the new video.” 

“I can until then.” Nick insisted. 

“Can you handle being on your own until then?” AJ asked. 

“Yeah, I promise. I know I need to be in my right mind.” Nick promised.“Thanks for coming to check on me and helping me clean up.” 

“Anytime bro, I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

Nick stood up and hugged the older man before letting him go, seeing him out the door and closing it. AJ sighed softly and headed down to his car, driving off. He was happy Nick was okay and hadn’t done anything to stupid.


	7. Chapter 7

The reunion was anything but happy, in fact, as soon as Nick walked into the conference room, the three oldest began on their lecturing and scolding as if he was a child. Nick was truly fed up with being seen as the youngest, the baby of the group. He wasn’t thirteen anymore and he wanted to be treated like an adult, his voice mattered just as much as the others did. Nick had been sure if AJ hadn’t stepped in and told the others to back off, Nick would have blown a fuse and told them all how he really felt. 

For the first time, Nick actually acted interested with each treatment presented to them, anything to keep his mind off of Brian. It had taken a few days but they finally settled on one that had them more in the background singing while others told the story. It meant he wouldn’t have to learn any new dance moves. It wasn’t like he was a horrible dancer, but between the five, he still struggled the most when it came to learning new routines. 

Now, they were at the Orpheum Theatre working through the scenes and shots. It wasn’t the first time they had done a video without choreography, but it had been awhile and Nick was thankful for it. As Nick made his way around the historical theater, he felt himself being pushed against the wall. 

“What the hell?” Nick asked, glaring at the man in front of him. 

“Why are you avoiding me?” Brian asked. Nick pushed back causing Brian to step into the light before moving quickly back into the darkened area he had pushed Nick into. 

“I think the answer is pretty damn simple, isn’t it?” Nick asked, venom in his words. “You’ve treated me like a damn child ever since you set eyes on me again.” 

“Stop acting like one and I wouldn’t.” Brian bit back. “Do you know how damn worried I was?” 

“Yet AJ was the one who came looking for me.” 

The shorter man went to open his mouth but closed it again and looked down at the floor of the theater. “I wanted to but…” 

“...but she wouldn’t let you get two feet from her, would she?” Nick finished.

“Nick that’s not fair, we’re newlyweds. You’ll understand when you get married.” 

“Yeah, don’t get your hopes too high on that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we have a video to shoot.” 

Nick pushed his way past the other man and continued down the hallway behind the stage they would be on. He stopped when he heard Brian’s voice echo down the hall and into his ears. 

“You know fans are going to start asking questions if we aren’t the playful Frick and Frack they know!” 

Nick’s hands curled into balls as he turned around and looked at the destroyed man. “Then I guess we better fake it til we make it huh?” Nick turned and finished his trek down the hallway before Brian could answer him. 

The next few days were tough, but when the cameras were on and the flashes were going, Nick made sure to put on his part of the play that was once a strong and solid friendship, Brian doing the same. The other three were devastated to see the two best friends like this, but they knew there was nothing they could do, plus they were starting to get snappy with each other as well. 

“Nick, get off me!” Howie groaned as the blonde wrapped his arms around him. 

“I love you man!” Nick said before planting a kiss right on Howie’s cheek, hearing the groan and seeing the scrunched up face Howie made before letting him go and bouncing off. He was more hyper than normal driving the other four crazy, even AJ had smacked him upside the head and told him to calm the fuck down. Finally the video was finished and would be released in a few weeks. Nick had never been so happy to hear the final cut. He just wanted to get away from everyone, especially Brian. The video for Shape Of My Heart was released and the response was phenomenal, it found its way quickly to number one on TRL and strongly held the top spot. 

Black and Blue was on track to be released within the week and there were talks about doing a promotional tour for it, around the world in 100 hours. The group looked at each other as their management explained the details. Their own jet, hitting cities and towns that they had/hadn’t been to, doing a few songs from the album including Shape Of My Heart. It sounded so good but exhausting. There was also talk of a film crew going with them to document the excursion. Nick knew if that happened, that meant he’d have to put on that fake smile and playfulness to keep the fans from catching on that the perfect little world the five had created wasn’t so perfect and that Frick and Frack weren’t as close as they used to be. They had all seen it, Brian was pulling away. 

“We need to know what you want to do so we can get this started.” Management said. 

The men looked at each other, their eyes were dull and tired, their passions had become nothing more than a job. There was no fun or joy in making music or performing anymore, burnout was there. But like the last few years, they knew the fans were relying on them so Kevin straightened up and took the lead just as he had been pressured into doing for so long. 

“Let’s do it, it’ll be good publicity for the album and us.” 

“Wonderful! We will get to work on the preparations and let you five know what’s going on.” With five nods, their team got up and headed out, leaving the group in the room. The tension began to grow and thicken between them. 

“Thanks for asking us what we thought Kev.” Nick spoke, sarcasm thick in his words. 

“Don’t start on me Nick.” Kevin growled. “You could have spoken up anytime and you sat there like you always do.” 

Nick went to get up but Howie was quickly at his side. “Whoa big guy, just calm down. Look, I know we are all feeling it so let’s just get through this tour and the big tour then go from there.” 

Nick calmed down slightly and nodded. “Fine.” 

Brian looked at the time and got up grabbing the attention of the others. 

"Where you going?" AJ asked. 

"I've got to get to the airport, I promised Leigh I'd get an early flight out." Brian replied,gathering his things. 

"Someone is pussy whipped already." Nick mumbled loud enough for Brian to hear. 

The other man turned to look at him. "I'm not but I would like to spend a few days with my WIFE before we go on this trip." 

Brian didn't give anyone a chance to reply as he quickly made his way out the door towards the car that was waiting for him. Once settled into his seat Brian pulled out his phone and dialed his love's number, excited to hear her voice. 

"Hello?" Leighanne's calming voice came through after a couple of rings. 

"Hey love." Brian smiled, his body instantly relaxing. 

"Hey! Does this mean you're on your way home?" She excitedly asked. 

Brian chuckled at the excitement as the car headed towards the airport. "Yes baby, on my way to the airport now." 

“I can’t wait until you are home, how did the meeting go?” Leighanne asked, calming down from the excitement of her husband coming home. 

Brian sighed softly. “Management wants to do this promotional tour that takes us around the world in 100 hours.” 

Leighanne went silent for the longest time, making Brian nervous. “Leigh?” 

“Sorry, I just…” Leighanne trailed off. She knew she couldn’t be upset, this was what she signed up for when she said yes, when she had agreed to be his girlfriend to begin with. 

“Love, you knew this would be our life.” 

“No, I know. It’s just an adjustment.” 

“I know.” 

The car stopped in front of the airport and Brian opened the door getting out and closing it. The trunk popped open and he grabbed his luggage, his phone tucked between his shoulder and ear. He finally had to tell Leighanne he had to go and hung up his phone so he could focus on getting to his plane. He settled down into his seat and let his mind drift to other things. How was he gonna handle being that close to Nick for that long? He knew the plane wouldn’t be that big and more than likely would have only one bed. He sighed and tried to relax as the plane took off and headed towards home.


	8. Chapter 8

100 hours around the world, four million dollars spent, Shape Of My Heart was on a fast track of breaking their own record for most weeks spent at number one on TRL, they had made history once again, the small tour had paid off more than any thought it would yet Brian was ready to kill whoever had come up with the idea and kill his cousin even more for agreeing to it. In reality it hadn't been that bad, the first three stops had been ran on pure excitement. It was that last half of the run where the band was feeling the time zones and lack of sleep. 

Much to Brian's surprise, Nick had for the most part behaved himself. He knew it was mainly because of the cameras being on almost constantly during the day but even at night the blonde was keeping his hands to himself even on the nights Brian found himself laying next to the younger man which was more often than not. Kevin had even taken a photo of the other four sound asleep on the large bed, Brian freaking out until the older man calmed him down reassuring him he wouldn’t have taken the photo had Nick been holding Brian, instead Nick had been laying on his back while Brian was curled up on his side. 

Between the holidays, rehearsals, and working on negotiations for the next single and the video for it, Brian found his days with his wife were few and far in between and could feel the pressure of juggling his job and this new life he had began at such a young age, sometimes wondering if he had rushed things way to quick with Leighanne. Now he was looking at what would be his home for the next three months and sighed softly, Leighanne would be with him for some of the shows, but for now, she was back in LA still trying to make a name for herself in the acting world. Kevin moved up to his cousin, both men staring at the buses, both enjoying the silence between them, but the older man was worried. He was about to say something when Brian spoke first. 

“How do you do it?” Brian asked softly, his head down looking at his ring. 

“Do what?” Kevin asked, still looking forward, hoping this was the younger man’s way of opening up with what was bothering him. 

“Manage all this? Our jobs and your marriage.” 

Taking a deep breath and letting it slowly out, Kevin collected his thoughts before responding. In a way, he wished Brian had waited until he was a few years older before tying the knot. Looking to his right, he was met by a pair of fearful and guilt ridden eyes, there was more to this then Brian trying to figure out how to be there for his wife. 

“Communication.” Kevin finally replied. “Talking as much as possible, figuring out time zones and the best time to slip away even if it’s for just a few moments.” 

The older man heard the soft sigh and carefully wrapped his arm around the other man pulling him in. Brian fell into Kevin’s warmth and embrace. 

"I just want to be the perfect husband she deserves." Brian mumbled against Kevin's chest. 

"Bri, you know there's no such thing, no human is perfect.” 

“I can try.” Brian huffed, causing Kevin to chuckle softly. 

“Hey everything okay over here?” A sudden soft voice asked. 

Brian pulled away from his cousin and turned his head smiling seeing Howie walking their way, he could see the concern in the older man’s soft brown eyes. Once Howie had joined them, Brian gave him a soft smile. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Just needed a moment.” Brian replied. 

Howie looked between his two band mates and nodded. “Well, everyone is ready to go.” 

Kevin nodded. “Let’s do it then.” With that, the men boarded their buses and the tour began. 

They were a week into the tour when a golden opportunity came their way, an offer to sing the National Anthem at the Superbowl. Howie didn't even fight it knowing he was outnumbered anyways and watched his band mate whoop and holler like a bunch of kids as he shook his head grinning the entire time, he was just happy to see a genuine smile on Brian's face for once. 

It had been a great way to start Nick's birthday but now the real fun had begun as AJ dragged them into the bar. Brian sighed as he followed them to the VIP area and settled down in the booth. This truly was not his thing but Twenty-One was a big milestone. Brian watched AJ wrap his arm around the back of Nick's neck grinning like an idiot.

"So little bro is all grown up!" AJ smirked seeing the eye roll from the blonde. 

"Not like this is anything special." Nick replied. 

"Sure it is! Now you don't have to worry about going to jail for underage drinking!" AJ beamed feeling the playful shove from the other man. 

Brian looked down playing with his hands. They all knew Nick had started drinking much sooner than he should have been but the real accomplishment was how the young man had been able to keep it hidden from both the media and the fans. 

"Are we ready?" Kevin asked. 

"Let's do it!" AJ nodded. "First ones on me Nicky!" 

Nick glared at his grinning friend but quickly smirked back ordering one of the most expensive drinks. 

"Fucker…" AJ mumbled. 

"Don't call me Nicky off the stage." Nick threw back,enjoying his drink on AJ's behalf. Brian looked down at his own beer, trying to hide the smirk on his face. There were only two people allowed to call the blonde Nicky off the stage and AJ wasn’t one of them. 

The hours slipped by as the drinks continued to be brought to the table, AJ and Nick trying to out drink each other, but he could tell they were past their limit and it was getting late. 

“Hey, I think we should call it a night.” Brian spoke up, finishing up his latest beer. 

AJ tried to point at the brown haired man but his arm fell to the table. “Don’t….Don’t be such a tight ass.” 

Nick leaned against the other man, groaning softly. “H..He can’t help it Aje….His..ass is simply too tight...I should know.” Nick slurred. 

The sudden heat radiating around them only came from one source as Brian’s face and body turned red. Howie looked over at the younger man seeing the embarrassment and shame before looking over at Kevin. The older man nodded in agreement and began to get up. 

“Brian’s right, we need to get back to the hotel, we do have a tour to get back to.”

Howie slid out of the booth and went over to AJ, the man groaning softly and leaning heavily on his best friend, both he and Nick were too far gone to argue. Brian scooted out as well keeping his head down, he couldn’t bear to look up and see the disgust on the other men’s faces. 

“Hey Bri, help me?” Howie asked. Nodding, Brian went around to the other side of AJ and the two headed for the door, Kevin easily helping Nick. 

Once Howie and Brian were able to get AJ into his room and laid down, Brian went out of the room and waited for the other man. When Howie slipped out and closed the door, Brian still refused to look at him. 

“Brian, you know he didn’t mean what he said.” Howie said softly. 

“I just…” Brian shook his head. “Nothing’s happened.” 

“Even if it has, you already know I’ve accepted you” Howie reminded, “and Kev would tell you the same thing.” 

Daring to look up, Brian saw nothing but love and acceptance in Howie’s soft brown eyes giving the other man a soft smile. 

“Thanks D.” 

Howie pulled Brian into his arms hugging him tight. “Anytime, see you tomorrow.” 

Brian pulled away and nodded, letting him go and watching Howie walk down the hallway and disappear into his own room. Brian turned and headed for the elevator pushing the button and stepping in as the door closed behind him. He took a huge breath, his finger over the number that wasn’t his floor. He needed to go to his room, go to bed, but he found himself pushing the button that would take him to the man he loved so much. 

Once the elevator door opened, Brain stepped out and headed down the hallway pulling out his wallet and the spare key card to Nick’s room. Despite everything, they still gave each other their spare key. Sliding the key in and hearing the beep, Brian turned the handle and slipped inside, shutting and locking the door. Taking his shoes off, he headed towards the bed seeing Nick laying on his side. Brian made his way around the bed and sat down on the edge sighing softly. He knew Nick hadn’t meant what he said or how it had come out, but at the moment that was the way Brian had been afraid the other two would take it. 

Kevin had been able to at least get Nick out of his shirt and Brian had seen his shoes on the floor next to the chair. Reaching up, he gently ran his hand through Nick’s soft hair and down the side of his face gently causing Nick to shift slightly but didn’t wake up. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been sitting there, but the large numbers on the clock were reminding him just how late it really was, even though he’d be able to sleep on the bus on the way to Philadelphia. Finally, Brian was able to find the strength to get up but was quickly stopped by a hand wrapping around his wrist carefully pulling him back down onto the bed. 

“Don’t leave...” The soft voice pleaded. 

Brian didn’t say anything as he sat there, Nick’s hand still wrapped around his wrist. “Nick, I need to get back to my room. I need to sleep, I just wanted to come check on you.” 

“You can sleep here.” Nick replied, his hand moving Brian’s under the blanket. 

The older man bit his lip knowing exactly where Nick was taking his hand yet he didn’t stop the blonde. Brian gasped softly feeling his fingers graze across the bulge in Nick’s briefs. Nick groaned and arched slightly keeping Brian’s hand securely against him. 

“Brian, baby please.” Nick whimpered. 

“Nick, I…” Brian tried, his own body reacting to what was going under the blanket as his fingers rubbed against the hardness that was begging to be played with. “Nick, we can’t do this, I can’t do this. I’m married now.” 

“You’re a fucking coward.” Nick growled. The hand around Brian’s wrist loosened giving him the out he was looking for, getting up and quickly putting his shoes on, going out the door. 

“YOU’RE A FUCKING COWARD LITTRELL!!!” 

Brian closed the door and slid down the frame, tears streaming down his face. For the first time since Nick had turned legal, Brian did the one thing he swore he’d never do, he had denied him.


	9. Chapter 9

Brian sat against the small couch that was in the back of his bus. He loved having his own bus, his own space, but with that came the silence. The time to think about things, things he didn’t want to think about. The words Nick had yelled on the night of his birthday still rang in Brian’s head. 

_“YOU’RE A FUCKING COWARD LITTRELL!!!”_

Nick had been right, he was a coward. He was scared of what everyone would think, the disappointment on his family’s faces, his wife’s reaction. Brian shook at the thought of Leighanne knowing he was in love with a man and not just any man, but Nick. The guy he had raised from fourteen to eighteen. 

The sudden pinging of his phone caused the young man to jump and reach for it. He opened up his inbox and sighed seeing the text from Nick. 

"I'm sorry." It read. 

Brian stared at the screen. Since that night he'd been avoiding Nick as much as he could causing a rift between them, one that hadn't gone unnoticed. That wasn't the only rift going on. Ever since they shot the video for their latest single, AJ had also begun to act funny. Finally, Brian hit the reply button. 

"I just need time." 

Nick sat there looking at Brian's answer dumbfounded. Time? How much more time did he need? He hadn't said hardly two words to him since that night. His anger began to build as he cried out and tossed his phone across the room not caring if it broke. 

"Selfish jackass." Nick muttered. 

Brian held his phone waiting for a response but nothing came through giving him his silent answer. He slid the phone across the small table and groaned softly rubbing his face with his hands. When had things gotten so complicated? 

As the tour continued on, things didn’t get much better. AJ and Nick were missing call times, Brian and Nick were barely talking, and Kevin had turned into a major asshole as he attempted to keep everything in order failing miserably. The only shimmer of light in the looming darkness that was threatening to engulf them all and tear apart what they had worked so hard for was Howie and his newest interest. Her name was Leigh Boniello, she’d been hired on to be their webmaster for their official site and Howie hadn’t been able to keep the grin off his face. 

They were in Mexico and Brian couldn’t wait for the show to be over so he could go home and get away from Nick. They were hanging out backstage when AJ flopped onto the couch next to Howie grinning like an idiot causing the older man to raise a suspicious brow. 

“Yes?” Howie simply said. 

“Nothing man, just wondering how the little woman is doing.” AJ smirked. 

Howie rolled his eyes. “We haven’t exactly had time to really talk, Alex.” 

AJ sat back holding his hands up. “Whoa man, I was just curious. Jeez, who gave you Kevin’s stick to push up your ass?” 

Hearing his name, Kevin turned and glared. “I do NOT have a stick up my ass!” 

“Could have fooled me.” Nick mumbled, his arms across his chest as he stretched his legs out across the floor. 

The dark haired man turned looking at the blonde. “You haven’t been a ball of sunshine yourself.” 

“I haven’t really had anything to be happy about as of recently.” Nick retorted. 

Brian watched silently from across the room, not in the mood to get into it with any of them, he just wanted to go home. They finally got their five minute call and made their way out the stage, putting on those fake smiles on their face and went into autopilot. Finally the show was over and the five burnt out men said their quick goodbyes, going their own ways. 

Brian smiled watching his wife lazing in their pool before slipping in to join her. Swimming over to his beautiful woman, he put his arms up onto the side of her floaty making the older woman lift her glasses up and smiling at him, her hand lifting up to stroke his cheek watching him lean into her touch. 

“It’s so nice to see you so relaxed.” Leighanne said softly, her thumb still stroking his cheek. 

“You make me this way, I’m so glad to be home.” Brian sighed happily. “Are you going to come out with me on the next US leg?” 

Leighanne smiled and nodded. “Yes, I’ll be able to make some of the shows.” 

Brian’s entire body loosened as he laid his head on his arms, letting the water and the float guide them across the length of the pool. After a few moments, he heard his love sigh softly making him look up. 

“What is it Leigh?” Brian asked. 

“I don’t think this acting thing is going to work out.” Leighanne said softly, her head lowered. 

“Oh baby” Brian said softly, reaching up to stroke her cheek, “I’m so sorry.” 

Leighanne sighed softly leaning into his hand. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

“We’ll get through this, like we’ve gotten through everything else.” 

Leighanne looked into those beautiful blue eyes, smiling softly. “I know we will.” 

Brian wrapped his arm around her middle and pulled her into the water with him, her squeal of surprise hit his ears as he laughed feeling the playful smack on his arm. 

“You little shit!” Leighanne grinned. 

Brian smirked and pulled her to him, kissing her passionately, Leighanne responding as she wrapped her arms around him. Brian wrapped his own around her and lifted her up her legs wrapping around him. He walked her over to the side of the pool, both still kissing, their tongues playing. Brian groaned feeling himself starting to harden Leighanne grinning as her fingers trailed the back of his neck. 

“Someone is happy to see me.” Leighanne smirked. 

“Oh baby, you have no idea.” Brian growled, his hands moving down her ass squeezing it making the older woman moan. 

Leighanne’s hands moved down his back and into his trunks pushing them down, Brian untying the bottoms of his wife’s bikini letting them sink to the bottom of the pool. 

“Bri, please.” Leighanne whimpered. 

Brian let his love slip down onto him using the wall and his strong arms to keep her from sliding off as she bounced up and down his thickness, both groaning loudly. 

“Fuck Leigh, I’ve missed you so much.” Brian panted, kissing her before moving down to her neck, Leighanne leaning her head back groaning. 

Brian kept his arms around her helping her move up and down his shaft, he could feel himself getting close when a sudden flash of Nick ran through his mind and he suddenly didn’t see his wife but Nick. Nick riding his cock, Nick moaning his name as he rode him. Leighanne’s cries brought him back, he grunted as he shot his load inside her. 

“Brian!!” Leighanne cried out. 

The younger man closed his eyes and whispered softly. “Nick…” 

Leighanne tilted her head back up sighing happily looking at her love. “Mmm baby, that felt amazing.” 

Brian panted as he let her down carefully, his eyes still closed. Why the hell had Nick invaded his mind and why did he call out the younger man’s name? His eyes went wide with the realization he had called out the younger man’s name and not his wife’s. What if she had heard? Leighanne laid against him as she sighed happily, her eyes closed, Brian holding her close to him, praying she hadn’t heard him.


	10. Chapter 10

That month long break went too quick and before Brian knew it, he was on a plane heading down south. It was a short leg and then another break before the second leg of the US tour. He was looking forward to it knowing his wife would be joining him for at least part of the leg. The days wore on and things had been going south quickly. AJ was becoming more erratic and unpredictable, he was wilder on stage then normal and it was worrying the others. It wasn’t until AJ had cornered Kevin one night asking if he wanted some cocaine did the older man start to clue in that something was wrong. 

Howie sighed as he walked over to where the bottled waters had been placed, each boy having their own section. He picked up one of AJ’s and unscrewed the lid, the smell of alcohol hitting his nose instantly as he twisted the lid back on and set it down, sighing softly and looking at the others. 

“He’s drinking on stage.” Howie revealed. “He’s hiding it in his water bottles.” 

The silence in the room was heavy, the four men in the room not sure what to say or think, AJ was on stage talking to the crowd letting the others have a moment, but this was the last thing they wanted to deal with. Even Nick was floored at the revelation, his drinking had increased as well, but he would have never thought to drink on stage during a show, the fans didn’t deserve that. 

“Everything okay?” Leighanne’s voice drifted into the room as she walked over to Brian, the younger man pulling her into his arms and kissing her temple gently.

It was grating in Nick’s ears, he truly did like Leighanne and it wasn’t her he was exactly upset with. She really was the innocent bystander in all this because her husband was too much of a coward to tell her the truth, but even with all that, his jealousy streak was well known, short, and very evident on his face for anyone who was paying attention. In a way, having AJ being the focus of attention gave Nick a shadow to hide in and continue what he was doing, not sure what would happen if that shadow was pulled away from him. Kevin’s voice pulled him back to the present as he stood there, arms across his chest. 

“AJ’s drinking, heavily and he offered me drugs a few nights ago.” Kevin sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. 

Leighanne’s eyes went wide looking between them. “Oh that’s horrible! What are you going to do?” 

“We don’t know.” Howie replied. “We aren’t even sure how long it’s been going on, he’s done a good job hiding it from us.

The group went silent when the door opened up and AJ appeared grinning while he walked over to the table grabbing a bottle and drinking it. 

“WHEW! WHAT A NIGHT FELLAS! COME ON WE GOTTA GET BACK OUT THERE!” AJ grinned and headed back out before anyone could respond. 

Kevin let out a heavy sigh and motioned for the others. “Come on, let's get this show finished.” 

Brian hugged and kissed his wife before letting her go, stroking her cheek gently. “I’ll see you after the show.” 

“Okay baby.” Leighanne smiled letting him go. The group left Leighanne behind and headed back up onto the stage. 

Boston was one of their biggest stops, five sold out shows. With two down and three to go, the group had been asked to do a first pitch at a little league game, something they had agreed to do but now AJ was nowhere to be found, pissing Kevin off. 

“This is bullshit.” Kevin grumbled. “He knew we were doing this.” 

“Maybe he’s on his way?” Brian offered. 

Nick and Howie looked at each other, both worried. Finally, Kevin turned and headed out. 

“Where you going?!” Howie yelled. Turning Kevin looked at the younger man, his eyes saying it all before he turned and disappeared. 

AJ groaned as the pounding continued as he slowly woke up, his eyes unfocused. The pounding didn’t stop and there was a sudden muffled voice from the other side of the door. 

“ALEX, OPEN THE DOOR!” Kevin yelled. 

AJ’s eyes finally focused on the mess around him, bottles and papers scattered in the area, white powdered remnants on the table along with the blade he had used. He had been up for days and finally passed out. 

The pounding returned with the cracking of something. “ALEXANDER I WON’T SAY IT AGAIN!” 

The voice suddenly registered in the tattooed man’s head that the voice coming from his double bolted door was Kevin’s and not a happy Kevin at that. He shook his head trying to figure out what the hell he was doing there, it was their day off and he wasn’t feeling it. 

“GO AWAY KEV! IT’S OUR DAY OFF.” AJ finally responded. 

Pushing on the door again and it refusing to budge, Kevin smacked it with his hand. “DAMN IT AJ! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO A FIRST PITCH TODAY!” 

“FUCK OFF!” The reply came, the man thankful he had thought to double bolt his door the night before. A pissed off Kevin was not a Kevin to cross paths with. 

After a few more colorful words, Kevin bit his lip, finally fed up with the bullshit. “I’M DONE WITH THIS! IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, I’M DONE WITH YOU! YOU’RE DEAD TO ME!” With that, Kevin turned and walked away leaving a sobbing AJ behind. 

Grabbing his phone, he dialed his Mother’s number and brought it to his ear. “Mom, I’m coming home. I’m done, I want out of the group.” AJ got up and dressed, packing his things and leaving. 

"Gone? What do you mean he's gone?" Kevin asked pacing the room back and forth getting the attention of the others. Brian held Leighanne close to him, rubbing her arm trying to ignore the daggers shooting towards him from across the room. 

Once Kevin got off the phone, the group straightened up and looked towards the older man wondering what was going on. Looking around, Kevin knew he needed to tell them what was going on. Rubbing his face, Kevin sighed and lowered his hand before speaking. 

“AJ’s flown back home and has entered rehab.” 

“What?” Brian asked. 

Kevin turned towards his cousin and nodded. “After our altercation, I told him he needed to get his shit in order. I guess after I left, he booked a flight and left.” 

“What about the tour?” Nick asked. 

The group looked at the younger man, their eyes full of disapprovement. Nick sat up and looked around. 

“What? It’s not something we can simply ignore!” Nick said defensively. 

“We know that Nick, but what’s important now is AJ is getting help.” Howie reasoned. 

Getting up, Nick walked over to the other side of the room, his eyes closed as he lifted his head up trying to calm down but his anger began to build. The group went back to speak among themselves trying to figure out what they were going to do before calling management when they heard a sudden sound of wall and fist meeting along with Nick’s scream. 

“FUCK!” Nick cried. 

“Nicky!” Brian exclaimed, getting up and going over to the blonde as Nick backed away from where he was holding his hand, Howie quickly following him. 

“Shit, I think I broke it.” Nick groaned. 

“Here, let me see.” Howie said softly, checking it over. “Yeah, I think it’s broken.” 

Kevin rubbed his eyes groaning softly, he knew his younger brother’s anger could get out of control but this was the last thing they needed. He lowered his hand and moved over to the others, Leighanne watching quietly. 

“Nick..” Kevin sighed. 

“What?” Nick growled, glaring at the older man. 

Howie looked between the two. “Okay, let’s just chill. Nick just got upset. Brian and I will take him to the hospital, you call management.” 

Brian looked at his wife and saw her nod. “It’s okay husband, I’ll head back to the room.” 

She got up and walked over to her love, kissing him softly before pulling away and heading out. 

“Come on Nicky, let’s get you checked out.” Howie said, ushering the two younger men out as Kevin called management. 

The next day, Nick found himself sitting on a stool next to Brian on the set of TRL, his hand wrapped. He kept his head down as the others spoke, all four trying to hold back the tears. Nick’s mind was reeling, what was he going to do now that the tour was on hold?


	11. Chapter 11

It was the longest month of Nick’s life but he was happy to hear AJ had been doing well and now they were back on tour and back in Boston to make up for the three shows they had missed. The only problem this time around was Leighanne had decided to join them for the full run and not just a show here or there giving Nick no time to get Brian alone or even spend time with him as friends. Brian was so far up her ass it was nauseating. The only thing keeping him sane at the moment were the groupies he had hanging around between girlfriends along with his drugs and alcohol.He had also had a night with another male to see if Brian truly was the exception or if he was attracted to other men. His answer came quickly as the unknown male made his way down Nick’s body and the blonde didn’t react. Thankfully the man was understanding and promised not to leak anything to the media about their encounter, so far, that promise had been kept. His thoughts were interrupted when he felt an arm around him. He turned his head and his features softened seeing AJ beside him. 

"Hey buddy, how you doing?" AJ asked, looking up at the younger man concern in his brown eyes. 

Nick sighed. "You want the truth or for me to bullshit you?" 

Raising a brow AJ pulled away keeping his eyes on the blonde. "Okay spill." 

"I miss him J, I miss my best friend." 

AJ had to nod in agreement with that, he honestly missed the older man as well. It was like he had completely forgotten about the bond and friendship they shared with one another. 

AJ saw the tears begin to slip down Nick's cheeks and pulled him into a hug letting Nick get his emotions out. 

"He hates me." Nick sniffed. 

"No he doesn't, he just has his head up his wife's ass." 

Nick's body shook from the laughter and tears. "I..I know he has a responsibility to her but why does that mean he has to leave us behind?" 

It was a question AJ didn't have an answer for, he didn't understand it either, even when Kevin got married, the older man had been in that honeymoon phase for a while, but he hadn’t forgotten about them, he still made time for each of them when he could. 

The dark haired man rubbed Nick’s back gently, whispering to him softly before he felt the taller man pull away from him and wiping his face taking a deep breath and letting it out, smiling softly at him. 

“Thanks J.” Nick smiled softly. 

AJ reached around and patted his back. “Anytime buddy.” 

As they headed back towards the stage AJ asked. “So does this mean I can get into the off the stage Nicky club?” 

“Not on your life.” The two men chuckled as they joined the others to finish their last show before heading to Canada. 

Brian came out of the bathroom running his hand through his still damp hair before sitting on the edge of the bed. He was tired but he wanted to spend as much time as he could with Leighanne, she was leaving for LA tomorrow for a dentist appointment then going home to rest before coming back. The bed shifted and a pair of warm arms wrapped around him. He closed his eyes and sighed happily, leaning back against him. Deep down he was missing Nick’s arms but he knew he could no longer live that life, be with Nick in that so avoiding him all together when he could was the best option for the both of them. 

“Don’t go.” He said softly. 

“Baby, I have to.” She replied. “I can’t keep putting it off.” 

She felt her husband let out a heavy sigh, pulling him closer to her. “I’ll be back before you know it. Besides, I wouldn't want you to get sick of me.” 

Brian chuckled and tilted his head back to look at her. “I could never get sick of you.” 

Leighanne leaned down and kissed him lovingly, Brian responding before he sat up and turned, never breaking the kiss as he crawled over her. Hands and mouths roamed and played, Brian taking in every moment with his wife as he loved her and her body. He had moved down between her legs when another flash hit him but shook it off trying to ignore the fact his mind was trying to remind him just exactly who he wished he had under him, how he was missing the other half of his heart. Brian licked and sucked on his wife while trying to ignore the images in his head before moving up and kissing her, his shaft slipping inside her. They made love late into the night before falling asleep in each other's arms knowing she had to be up early for her flight. 

Nick happily walked down the hallway the next day, a bit of a skip in his step. She was gone, finally gone and he could get some much needed time with his love. He didn’t care if they didn’t do anything, Brian meant more to him than a quick hand job, he just wanted to spend time with the brown haired man. As he got closer to Brian’s suite, he heard commotion inside, voices he wasn’t expecting. He knocked on the door and waited, not expecting to be greeted by a pair of green eyes, green eyes that were wet with tears. 

He could hear the TV in the room but it wasn’t registering, it was just noise to Nick as he looked at his older brother, thoroughly confused. He finally found his voice and asked. “What’s going on Kev?” 

Instead of answering, Kevin moved to the side to let Nick in. Once Nick was in, Kevin shut the door. Nick looked around the living area of Brian’s suit and saw the others sitting on the couch and there in Brian’s arms Leighanne sat, her head buried into his chest. Nick’s anger began to rise, the question was right there at the tip of his tongue, ready to be released when he felt a hand on his shoulder, making him look to his left seeing Kevin standing next to him. 

“There’s been an attack.” Kevin said suddenly. 

“An attack?” Nick asked. 

Nodding, Kevin led the blonde over to the others, his eyes still on Leighanne, finally catching the older man’s gaze, his arms tightening around the woman he had married. Brian’s eyes were daring, almost taunting Nick to say something. He knew the younger man had wanted to spend time with him and he had been looking forward to it until this. Once Kevin and Nick were situated on the other couch, Nick put his actual attention on the TV as the images and reports filled his head. 

“Terrorists hijacked a couple of planes and crashed them into the Trade Centers.” Howie said softly. 

Nick looked around still confused about everything, yeah that was sad and really scary but what did that have to do with them and the fact that Leighanne was still there? She was supposed to be gone. 

“Okay..” Nick said softly. 

“Nick, one of the planes..” Brian bit his lip, keeping Leighanne close. 

“The plane Leighanne was supposed to be on was one of them, it was the one Danny was on.” Howie finished softly.

The bricks hit Nick hard and he felt the weight of each one as the gravity pushed him down. Danny couldn’t be gone, he was on his way home. He had a baby on the way. 

“He…” Nick gulped, tears threatening to fall. 

Nick looked over at Brian and Leighanne, the thoughts that had plagued his mind were now full of guilt. Seeing Brian with the older woman made Nick realize had something happened to her, Brian would have shut down. He may have had part of the older man’s heart but Leighanne was his lifeline and his heart beat for her a little louder than it did for him. To the surprise of everyone,Nick got up and walked over to the couch where the couple sat, Brian watching Nick not sure what he was going to do. 

The younger man laid his hand on Leighanne’s back making her turn her head seeing him smile softly at her. The older blonde sat up, pulling away from Brian, giving her own soft smile. 

“I’m so glad you canceled your flight.” Nick said softly. 

Leighanne smiled softly and nodded. “So am I and I’m so sorry for the loss of Danny. I’m also sorry for keeping Brian from you all.” 

She looked at her husband, her blue eyes meeting his. “You have to spend time with your friends.” 

Shaking his head, ignoring the fact they were in the room he replied. “You’re my priority, especially now since I almost lost you.” 

It hurt, but out of the four, Kevin understood the most. The idea of Kristin being gone, killed even made him shiver. He had lived a year without his love after she found out he had cheated on her across the pond and it was something he never wanted to go through again. 

Leighanne sighed softly looking at him. “But you didn’t lose me and I’d be okay a few hours while you’re…” 

“NO!” Brian said sternly. 

Leighanne nodded. “Okay hun, if that’s what you want.” 

The room went silent as Nick quickly got up and walked out, the others watching him leave, slamming the door behind him. The others looking back at Brian. 

“What?” He asked. 

“That really hurt man.” AJ said. “I know Leighanne means a lot to you but damn bro, that doesn’t mean you have to throw us out, we aren’t here to get between you two.” 

With that, AJ got up and headed out the door leaving Brian with the two oldest and his wife, his focus on finding Nick. 

Nick was on his bed, tears falling when the knock on the door hit his ears. “GO THE FUCK AWAY BRIAN!” 

“YO, NICK IT’S ALEX.” AJ replied. 

It took a few moments but the door opened allowing the other man in, closing again when he was inside. AJ waited for Nick to move in front of him, following the blonde into the living area of the suit. They sat down and stayed silent, AJ wanting Nick to speak first, and Nick just enjoying the comfort and warmth of his friend near. 

After what seemed like an eternity, AJ finally heard the man next to him speak. “Why can’t I get over him?” 

AJ sighed softly. “Because he’s been by your side since you were thirteen, he’s shown you so much, including love.” 

“But so have you guys and I don’t feel anything other then brotherly love, no offense of course.” 

AJ chuckled softly. “None taken plus you’re not my type anyways.” 

Nick grinned looking over at the older man, pushing his arm against his. AJ smirked and pushed back, making Nick fall onto the couch. The young man sat back up and wrapped his arms around his brother. 

“Thanks J, for everything.” 

AJ hugged him back. “Anytime Bro.” 

The men pulled away and settled down next to each other, still smiling but Nick saw something in AJ’s brown eyes.

“What?” He asked. 

“I was just wondering…” AJ started rubbing the back of his neck, cheeks turning a slight red. “Have you maybe been with another guy to see…” 

Nick nodded. “Yes and it ended before it ever got started.” He looked down, his soft locks falling over his eyes. “Brian really is my one exception.”


	12. Chapter 12

The loss of Danny was still heavy on the entire tour’s mind, but they knew the show had to go on and that Danny would have wanted them to continue on. Brian had asked for a moment of silence in remembrance of their old friend and all those who had lost their lives and the families that were left behind. As the tour dragged on, tensions were high as they found themselves at the tail end of a long tour. The group had decided on one tour bus while in Japan and that was quickly becoming clear that had been a huge mistake. 

“Come on Nickolas!” AJ yelled from the other side of the bathroom door. “You’re not the only one on this bus!” 

Brian headed up the small hallway brow raised seeing AJ standing at the bathroom door bouncing from one foot to the other. 

“Please tell me you’re not trying to invent another dance move for us to learn.” Brian playfully groaned. 

The younger man simply flew the bird towards Brian’s way just as the door opened, Brian’s mouth instantly going dry seeing Nick walk out in nothing but a towel, his hair still tossed in every direction, he had dried himself off but Brian could still see a few drops of water running down that smooth chest he loved. Leighanne had stayed back in the States, giving Nick and Brian much needed time together, but it was still tense between the two men, specially since Brian continue to insist on calling his wife every night before bed, plus he refused to let Nick get as handsy, pulling his hand back up to his stomach anytime it would start to gravitate south. 

“About time! Damn man, worse than a woman!” AJ grumbled as he pushed passed the blonde, slamming the door behind him. 

Shaking his head, Nick headed towards the back of the bus, stopping in front of Brian, making the other man quickly look down, his face a deep crimson. 

“Something wrong Bri?” Nick’s voice going low, watching the older man’s body react, he licked his pink lips grinning. “You know, we still have time.” 

Shaking his head, Brian tried to move but he couldn’t. His feet suddenly felt like cement and refused to budge from where they had been planted. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, begging his body to stop reacting to the man in front of him, begging his feet to turn and run. He felt soft fingers run down his jawline making him gasp softly. 

“Brian please, it’s been so damn long.” Nick pleaded softly, he had come out half naked on purpose, hoping it would make the older man give in.

“No Nick, we’ve been through this.” Brian finally spoke, finding his voice again. “You’re lucky I’m letting you sleep with me.” 

Nick’s fingers didn’t stop moving down Brian’s neck keeping his eyes on the man in front of him. Brian’s head leaned to the side exposing his neck. 

“Nick…” Brian moaned softly. 

The shocks that ran through Nick’s body were intense and strong, going straight to his groin making his cock twitch and start to harden. The sudden opening of the bathroom door made them both jump out of the daze they were in, Nick pulling away from his love. AJ looked over seeing Nick still standing there half naked. 

“For God’s sake man, either take him to the back or go get dressed.” AJ groaned, heading into the small kitchen area. 

Nick looked back at the man before him, Brian’s breathing was heavy, head down. His face was an even brighter red then it had been when Nick had walked out. Nick leaned over and whispered softly. 

“Tonight, I don’t care and I won’t take no as an answer.” 

He reached over and gently cupped Brian through his pants feeling the semi hardness through the denim jeans. Brian bit his lip trying to hold back the groan that was aching to get past his lips but his hips gave Nick all he needed before letting go and moving past him. Brian knew he was in for a long day and an even longer night. 

The rest of the day was spent with Brian on edge, Nick wouldn’t get away from him and it was wearing thin not just on the older man but the others as well. The blonde had been extra handsy and clinging with Brian on stage to the point where he had pushed Brian to his limit and he had had enough. 

“What the hell Nick?!” Brian fumed, looking at the blonde. 

“What?” Nick smirked. “You act like you’re not enjoying what I’m doing.” 

Brian’s face was red as the anger welled up inside him. “ You know damn well what! You won’t leave me the hell alone!” 

The other three men watched quietly nearby, Kevin ready to jump in if need be. Even they were over Nick acting the way he was, plus they were in a part of the world that didn’t exactly take too kindly to men acting the way Nick was and the blonde knew that. 

Nick leaned against the table behind him, his arms crossing his chest. “I’m just having my normal fun.” 

“No, you’re pissing me off is what you’re doing. You know not to get handsy when we are in this part of the world.” Brian reminded. 

“Nick, you are being rather annoying tonight.” Howie interjected. 

“No one asked you Howard.” Nick growled. 

“Alright that’s enough!” Kevin boomed. “Leave my cousin alone or I will tie you down to your bed myself and you won’t like it.” 

Nick grumbled and huffed but finally nodded his head. “Fine!” 

He pushed passed Brian and the others heading back to the stage. Brian sighed softly rubbing his face before feeling a comforting arm around him. 

“Hey, it’ll be okay.” Howie smiled. “It’s been a long tour, we are all tired.” 

“Yeah, I’m ready to go home.” Brian nodded. 

“I think we all are.” Kevin agreed. With a hug from his three brothers, the group headed back out to finish the show, Nick being on his best behavior for the rest of it much to the relief of Brian and the others. It was the bus ride to the next stop that was now bothering him. 

The bus rolled down the road as Brian settled down under the blankets, two more shows then he could go home. He needed to recharge, they all did. He was just about asleep when he heard the curtain being pulled away and he sighed softly to himself. He knew Nick wouldn’t stay in his own bed. 

“Bri…” Nick said softly, his voice soft and scared. 

“Just get in Nick.” Brian replied, scooting over closer to the wall. 

Tentatively, the younger man moved over and laid down in what he had deemed his spot but didn’t close the small gap that laid between them like he normally did. Not much could be seen in the small dark bunk but Nick could feel the heat coming from Brian’s body. He reached over and ran his fingers gently down Brian’s back being greeted by his shirt instead of bare skin. Nick hated that Brian wouldn’t take his shirt off, ever since his heart surgery, Brian had been embarrassed by the scar that had been left behind. That had been a horrible time in their careers and though Nick was too young to really comprehend the seriousness of the situation, thinking back he shuttered at the thought of Brian not being with them now. Had Leighanne not done what she did he would be dead, she truly had saved his life. 

“I’m sorry about tonight. It’s just been so long.” Nick spoke softly, not wanting to wake the others. “I miss you, I’ve tried so hard to get over you but I can’t. Even with all the women that I’ve had around, I can’t get you out of my head.” 

Brian laid there silently listening to the young man as guilt filled his entire being. He never should have gone to Nick that night, he should have buried his feelings for the blonde and kept them there. 

Turning over was the worst thing he could have done, staring in front of him was a blonde haired blue eyed thirteen year old all over again. Nick’s face was full of fear and worry, like he was lost and didn’t have a friend in the world. Brian reached up and cupped his hand against Nick’s cheek feeling the blonde lean into the warmth of Brian’s hand. 

“You need to try and move on from me Nick, what we had will always be special to me, but I have a wife now. I still feel bad for doing what I did when we were just dating.” Brian whispered. 

He didn’t know when they had started but Brian soon felt hot tears finding their way to his hand as his thumb wiped them away just like they had so many other times before. 

“Nicky, please don’t cry.” Brian pleaded softly. “I will always be here for you, but it has to be as a friend, a brother.” 

“You’re so much more to me than that now though.” Nick whimpered. “How can you expect me to just move on?” 

Not knowing what else to say, Brian did the one thing he knew would calm Nick, he pulled the young man into his arms and let him cry against his chest as he rubbed his back and kissed his head. 

“I love you Nicky and I always will.” He whispered reassuringly. “Never doubt that, please.” 

“It hurts.” Nick whimpered as he buried himself as close to the older man as he could. His nose ran as the tears fell fast. Brian’s grip tightened around him, wrapping him up and hiding him from the world. 

“I know it does, but it’ll get better with time, you’ll see.” 

“Pro..Promise me something.” 

“Anything love.” 

“One night...before we go home. Please.” 

Brian closed his eyes and sent up a prayer of forgiveness before replying. “Okay Nicky, one night before we leave to go home.” 

The older man felt Nick’s body relax and fall into a peaceful sleep as he held his love close. What the hell had he just promised Nick?


	13. Chapter 13

There were only a few days left and Brian hadn’t made good on his promise. Nick had even gone as far as to pull himself back to show that he could behave and be patient. As the days ticked by however, Nick realized the older man was avoiding him and it was starting to piss him off. He knew if he wanted to be with Brian before they headed home, he needed to corner the older man now. It was late when Nick slipped out of his bunk and made his way to Brian’s. He slid the curtain over slightly but quickly noticed the bed was empty. Reaching down, he felt the blankets realizing they were cold still, Brian was up. Moving away from the bed, he quietly made his way into the kitchen area not seeing him leaving only one other place, the back room. Nick quickly made his way to the back and opened the door rolling his eyes seeing Brian on the phone. The older man looked up seeing Nick standing in the doorway before moving in and shutting it, locking it behind him. 

Nick stood there leaning back against the door waiting for the other man to finish his conversation. Finally Brian pulled the phone away and sat it on the table not looking at the man leaning against the frame. He knew he had avoided Nick the last few days, he knew the promise he made, but now he wasn’t so sure he wanted to go through with it. 

Brian wasn’t sure when Nick had moved but he suddenly felt the warmth from the younger man making him gulp. He felt Nick’s soft fingers slip under his chin pulling his head up but Brian still refused to look him in the eyes. 

“Brian, we only have one more day left. You promised.” Nick said softly. 

“I...I know.” Brian stuttered softly, not able to say anything else as he felt a pair of soft lips touch his causing a soft gasp escaping past his lips. Nick ran his hand around to the back of the older man’s neck pulling him closer as he deepened the kiss, his tongue running across Brian’s lips wanting in, Brian opening for the younger man. 

After a few minutes, the two men pulled away, both panting hard and fast, need shining in both their eyes. 

“Baby, this is our last chance, please.” Nick whispered, his hand grabbing Brian’s laying it against the clothed cover bulge, Brian biting his lip feeling the lump, his own beginning to form. 

Brian squeezed gently hearing Nick suck in a breath, moaning and moving to straddle the older man’s lap, his hands moving up to cup his lover’s face gently as he took Brian’s lips for another steamy kiss. Brian’s arms wrapped around Nick, his hands landing on his lower back as he pulled the blonde closer to him, he could feel himself slipping as they kissed and made out, his hands seemed to move on their own, slipping inside Nick’s shirt touching bare skin for the first time in what seemed like forever. 

“Brian…” Nick moaned, his hips arching against him, groaning as he felt Brian’s own hardness. 

“God Nick, I want you so bad, I really do.” Brian whispered softly. “I just can’t.” 

Time stopped, the world stopped, everything around Brian stopped as Nick pulled away looking at him. 

“What do you mean you can’t?” Nick asked, trying to keep his voice even. 

“I..I never should have made that promise, I can’t go through with it.” Brian replied meekly and braced himself for the worse. 

It took seconds for Nick to jump off Brian’s lap, kicking the table that was behind him. “What the fuck??!! You fucking promised!!!! So what, was that just your sick way of getting me to shut up that night??!!!” 

“Nick please..” Brian tried but was quickly interrupted. 

“PLEASE WHAT? FOR FUCKS SAKE BRIAN! YOU FUCKING PROMISED ME!” Nick seared, not caring who woke up. 

“I’m so sorry, I’ll make it up to you.” Brian whimpered. 

Nick scoffed and shook his head. “You must really think I’m a fool and was born yesterday. Your coward ass isn’t going to do shit and you know it!” 

Tears were streaming down Brian’s cheeks but he knew he had to stay strong, this was wrong, wanting to be with Nick was wrong and went against everything he stood for, everything he had preached in every interview. 

The sudden knock on the door pulled the two men’s attention away from each other and towards the sound. 

“Nick...Brian?” Kevin’s muffled voice called from the other side. “What’s going on in there?” 

Had Nick been in a much better mood and mindset, he would have absolutely popped off with something smart but he was too pissed off to think straight. He leaned down over Brian keeping his eyes on the other man and stopped Brian from looking down forcing him to look into his dark and angry blue eyes. 

"You're a stupid MotherFucker." Nick growled before standing back up and turning heading towards the door and unlocking it. He opened it and was greeted by three very concerned and annoyed men. He said nothing as he pushed past them. 

Howie was quick to Brian's side pulling him close as they surveyed the knocked over table and contents that had been on said table. Kevin and AJ soon joined their bandmates.

"What happened?" Kevin asked. 

Sniffing Brian sat up and wiped his eyes. AJ quickly retrieved the box of kleenex that had fallen onto the floor. Brian took the box and nodded his thanks as he blew his nose and sighed. 

"I promised Nick something I shouldn't have and when I told him I couldn't go through with it he rightfully got pissed." Brian explained. 

Kevin sighed softly. "Do I need to go kick his ass?" 

"No he had every right to be angry. I broke a promise." 

"That's still no reason to throw a tantrum." Howie shook his head. 

"I'm sorry we woke you guys up. I think we've all simply been around each other for too long." Brian replied, trying to change topics. 

"It's something we need to talk about." Kevin nodded in agreement before yawning. "If you're sure…"

"Yes, go back to bed." Brian nodded. 

With that the four headed to their bunks and the silence had settled on the bus once again with only the soft cries from the blonde being a whisper within the silence. 

The last show ended on a high note for the fans but the five men on stage were low and fractured. After much arguing and fighting with management they finally got the okay to take time away.

Now, Brian was on his way home sighing softly as the guilt and sadness filled him from head to toe. Nick had made it pretty clear during their goodbyes that he was not only still hurt but pissed at the older man, saying nothing as he walked towards his plane. Closing his eyes, Brian tried to push the images of the hurt in those blue eyes, hurt that Brian knew he had put there. He was just ready to get home, back to his forty acres, back to his loving wife, away from the world and reality.


	14. Chapter 14

Nick sat in the plush chair of his friend’s home, pencil twirling between his fingers, notebook in front of him. The last few months had been some of the best/worst of Nick’s life. He had quietly moved to Cali needing to get away from the man who had destroyed him and what better way then across the country? After what happened between the group when he went to them about going solo, he wanted nothing more than to get away from them as much as he could considering Kevin was out in Cali as well. Between the lack of support from his so called “Brothers” and the fight between him and Brian still fresh in his mind despite the event having taken place months ago, was enough to keep the anger swimming inside the blonde as he looked down the partial song he had done, but he knew he had to be careful with what he wrote, not wanting questions as to exactly who the song was aimed at. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he felt an arm bump against his as the other person sat down in the chair next to him. 

“So, what are we working on today?” Douglas asked. 

Sighing softly and laying his pencil down, Nick slid over the notebook for his fellow writer to read what he had knowing even though there was a lot written, nothing gave away the fact he and Brian had had a...At this point, Nick wasn’t even sure what it was they had, right now the two weren’t speaking and Nick was content with that. 

As the other man read over the lyrics Nick did have, his eyes were wide looking back at the man next to him. 

“Damn dude, you sure you want to record this?” He asked. 

Nick rubbed his face, his hand moving up into his hair pulling it back before letting it go and lowering his arm. “I’m not sure man, even if I record it, it doesn’t mean it has to go on the album.” 

Douglas nodded in agreement. “That’s true and it really seems like you need to get it off your chest.” 

“Yeah, I really do.” Nick nodded. 

“Well, with a few touch ups we can get it done and ready.” The other man mused as he read over the lyrics again. “You sure you want this part in the song?” 

Nick looked over the lyrics Douglas was pointed at, that night flashing through Nick’s mind as he nodded. “Yes, that entire verse needs to stay in.” 

“Alright, well let’s get to it.” Over the next few hours, Nick and Douglas worked together to create the song and Nick felt a bit better but he knew he wouldn’t fully feel free until it was recorded and sent to the man who broke his heart. 

Two days later, Nick was in the recording booth baring his soul, letting his anger filter through each word he spoke. The song wasn’t solely aimed at Brian, but he was a huge reason the song had been created. After multiple takes, Nick was finally sitting and listening to the final recording, he wanted to make sure Brian got the message and hear just exactly how pissed off Nick still was over everything that had happened. With Nick’s approval, the song would be edited, cleaned up, and sent to the blonde in a few days. For the time being, Nick focused on the songs that had a higher chance making it onto the album. 

Brian was living in a state of bliss, other than the brief moment of Nick dropping the bomb about staying with The Firm for his solo album despite the group expressing wanting to leave. Then the failed lawsuit that in hindsight truly was petty since they were supposed to be on a hiatus and the idea of doing an album without Nick was simply idiotic on their part, made even worse when Nick found out and conference called them to cuss them out for it. Since then, Nick hadn’t spoken to anyone and in a way that was a huge burden off Brian’s shoulder, but that didn’t stop the slight ache still in his heart knowing Nick felt compelled to leave Florida and move clear across the country just to get away from the older man. 

Brian kept his mind busy with the renovations he and Leighanne had planned out together and smiled seeing his new court floor being laid down. When he heard about the University of Kentucky planning to rip the old floor out to make way for the new one, Brian jumped at the opportunity to have a piece of home in Georgia. He felt a pair of arms wrap around him making him close his eyes and lean back against the warmth of his loving wife. 

“Hey.” He whispered softly. 

“Hi, wow the floor looks amazing.” Leighanne commented. 

Opening his eyes Brian looked before picturing the future games and fun he was going to have not just by himself but with the future family he and Leighanne had been talking about. It was the perfect time to be planning to move their relationship to that next step, there was no time limit on when or even if they would reunite at all. 

“It does, so thankful they were willing to work out a deal with me.” Brian smiled as he turned and wrapped his arms around his girl pulling her close and kissing her nose gently making her giggle softly. 

“What else do we have planned?” Brian asked. 

Leighanne pulled away and looked at him. “I believe the floor was it for now.” 

The younger man sighed happily and held her close before pulling away and heading up the steps that led into the hallway that was decorated with plaques from past achievements, an area Brian had deemed The Hall of Fame. Once the workers were gone, Brian and Leighanne cooked dinner and settled down for the night. 

_Brian panted hard as the warmth from the hand around his cock stroked him up and down using his pre to help guide the hand over the base. Brian’s eyes were closed but he didn’t need to see who was stroking him, he already knew._

_“Nick..” Brian moaned softly, his hips arching._

_“You look so amazing Baby.” Nick moaned softly, his hand still moving. “Too bad you threw it all away just because you’re too scared to accept who you are because of some backwards thinking.”_

_“I..I had to..” Brian groaned, his orgasm close, his cock throbbing in Nick’s large hand._

_Nick smirked knowing the dark haired man was close and let him go. “Yet here you are dreaming about me….”_

Brian was startled awake, his eyes wide as he pulled the blankets back and felt the tackiness that he knew so well inside his boxers. Careful not to wake his sleeping wife, Brian sat up and headed for the bathroom, stripping his soiled boxers and grabbing a fresh pair. He shut the door and turned the light on looking down at his now softened cock with the drying evidence of the wet dream he had just endured. Grabbing a washcloth, he wetted and cleaned himself off grumbling about having a wet dream like a damn teenager all over again. Brian sighed as he pulled on the fresh boxers and wrapped the cloth inside the old ones, hiding both items deep in the pile of dirty laundry before shutting the light out and heading back to bed, thankful he had multiple pairs of the same boxers. He settled back down and wrapped his arm around the blonde woman lying peacefully next to him. She snuggled close to his warmth but didn’t wake up as he laid there thinking about the dream, about Nick, about how much he wished he could let the man go. He finally felt his eyes begin to grow heavy once again as he curled up and went back to sleep. 

8am, a time where most people would be running around getting ready for another 9-5 day, but for a night owl, it was way too damn early in the morning. Brian groaned as he rubbed his face with his hand, a hot cup of coffee beside him but even the aroma of the usually tantalizing scent wasn’t waking him up. He had gotten a bit more sleep after his dream, but it was still restless. Instead of risking waking his loving wife, Brian finally gave up and slipped out of bed heading down the stairs and into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, he was going to need it if he was going to make it through the day. He grabbed the handle of his cup and carefully lifted it to his lips, blowing on the liquid before taking a soft sip, wincing slightly from the heat as it went down. He had turned on the TV to watch the sports highlights but even that wasn’t keeping his attention and he decided to move to his office, shutting the large flat screen off and getting up. 

Brian settled down in his office chair, setting his cup down onto the coaster, and turned his computer on letting it boot up. He didn’t expect any emails, but he was up, might as well check. After some surfing around the net, he finally clicked and signed into his email, surprised there was a message waiting for him, even more surprising as to who it was from. The email was from Nick. Brian clicked on it, there wasn’t any text, but there was an audio file. Brian knew he was far enough away to not worry about grabbing his headphones and clicked the player letting the song begin. 

As the song played, Brian could hear the anger dripping off each word Nick sang. The blonde was hurting and still pissed off over what had happened and it broke Brian’s heart knowing he was part of the reason Nick was feeling the way he was. He could feel the tears threatening to fall as the song played but it wasn’t until the last verse is when they found their way down Brian’s cheeks. 

You say you're sorry now  
That you feel bad about it  
You make it up to me  
There ain't no doubt about it  
You must think I'm a fool  
That I was born yesterday  
Some kinda simple sucker  
There's nothing you can say  
You stupid motherfucker

Brian couldn’t believe his ears, those words, that one particular word he never thought he would hear Nick utter once much less twice. The memories of that night came rushing back to him, the younger man had taken the words they had exchanged and turned them into lyrics of an angry song. The tears fell fast and hard as Brian covered his face with his hands, that night playing like a broken record in his head. He was so lost in thought he didn’t feel the warm arms embracing him or the pull towards the warm body, he didn’t come out of his thoughts until he heard her voice. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” Leighanne asked. 

Shaking his head, Brian buried himself against her chest trying to will the tears to end but they seemed endless. Leighanne held him close, rubbing his back gently. 

“It’ll be okay hun, does this have something to do with Nick?” She asked. 

Brian tensed slightly, he couldn’t tell her, she would never understand. He finally pulled away looking up at her, his eyes stained with tears as she wiped them away.

“Once you calm down, I have some news for you.” 

Wiping his face, he reached over to grab a couple of tissues and blew his nose, throwing them into trash. “Is everything okay?” 

She took his hand and placed it on her stomach smiling softly. “Everything perfect, Daddy.” 

Brian’s eyes went wide looking into his love’s blue eyes. “Da...Daddy?” 

“Mmhmm, the first Backstreet Daddy.” Leighanne grinned. 

A fresh batch of tears fell from Brian’s eyes, mixing with the painful ones he had just released as he pulled his wife into his arms and kissed her hard, the song forgotten, Nick forgotten. 

Nick sat there stunned, his hand gripped tightly to his phone. A baby? Brian was going to have a baby? He growled and threw his phone onto the couch not caring if the older man was still on the line. Here he was, all alone, no support, nothing and yet here his so called “Brothers” were ecstatic about the happy news. He needed to get away, he needed to go somewhere to forget everything and he knew exactly where to go.


	15. Chapter 15

Amsterdam, where the booze ran free and the drugs were plentiful, but even more so the women were beautiful, exotic, and everywhere. He downed his third Jack before setting his glass down and wiping his mouth with the back of his jacket sleeve, eyes surveying the prospects for the evening. He was ready to hunt as he got off his barstool and made his way into the crowd, dancing with each woman he came across his hands moving down their bodies as he sized them out. He was looking for a certain type, a body that could handle not just the thickness inside his pants but his hands as well. 

As he moved through the crowd his eyes finally came upon a young woman lost in the music. Her body swayed to the rhythm and Nick was quickly drawn to her. He moved behind her and let his hands land directly onto her hips loving the feel of the curves and slight thickness he found there. Lindz froze feeling a new set of hands on her and tried to pull away but Nick kept her in place and leaned down slightly to whisper.

"Don't worry, I'm not gonna hurt you." 

Lindz didn't move, she was barely breathing. She knew that voice she'd have to hand over her fan card if she didn't. Nick licked his lips knowing she knew who was behind her. 

"If you can keep your mouth shut, you might just become my play toy for the night." 

Lindz pushed back against him rubbing her ass against the evident bulge in his pants before turning around and looking up into blue eyes she had only ever dreamed about looking into. They were dark and full of anger among other things. She ran her hands down his chest to the buckle of his belt smirking at him. 

"Sure you want me to be quiet? I've heard I've got a pretty good mouth on me." 

Nick growled and gripped her hips tighter. "I see I'm dealing with a little smart ass. Don't mind a smart ass bitch under me at times."

Lindz let out a groan allowing her hand to slide over his aching cock that was straining to be released. Nick arched himself against her letting off a low grunt. 

"Eager little whore aren't you?" He asked. 

She smirked as her hands unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his pants, slipping her hand inside. She watched his eyes go wide as her leg moved up his. Nick got the hint and wrapped his arm around her to keep her steady. 

"What's the matter? Never had sex in public before?" She asked in a slight taunting manner. 

Despite the alcohol running through his veins Nick's Dominant demeanor lowered as his face turned a bright red making Lindz soften her own. 

She leaned up and kissed him, her hand still rubbing his cock gently. Nick groaned against her mouth pushing up against her. The two pulled away both panting hard. 

"Don't worry baby. This will be fun." 

She pulled her hand out and moved her leg back down before turning back around and pushing her ass against him. Nick caught on and pulled out his erection just enough to slip under her skirt being met with her warmth and wetness as he pushed inside. 

The young woman leaned back against him and looked up at him. "Now grind with me and it'll look like we're dancing." 

Not able to form words Nick simply nodded and did as he was told his hands gripping her hips tightly as they moved together. Lindz whimpered as he fucked her loving the feel of his thickness deep inside her. Nick leaned down and growled in her ear. 

"Fuck you're a dirty little girl. Having me fuck you like this and having nothing underneath that skirt of yours. If I didn't know better I would say you're a dirty little street walker."

"Nick…" was all she could say, loving the dirty talk. Loving the fact that the one and only Nick Carter was fucking her and she had a feeling this night wasn't over between them. 

After a few more hard thrusts their releases hit and their cries were muffled by the loudness of the music. Nick felt himself go soft and he quickly tucked himself away before pulling away from her. Lindz finally found her strength again and turned around. 

"We're not done are we?" She asked her fingers trailing down his chest. 

"Not by a long shot." Nick replied. 

They left the club and headed for the hotel. Once inside Nick pushed her against the door and kissed her hard tongues dueling for control. After raiding the mini fridge of the alcohol that was there Nick didn't hold back like he had at the club. He fucked her hard, let all kinds of names run from his mouth with her encouragement, and left a few brushes on her hips and marked her neck. The two finally collapsed on the bed and fell asleep. Nick felt his anger subside somewhat out of his system and Lindz was in bliss from the thorough fucking he had given her. 

Nick woke up the next morning groaning softly as the pounding in his head reminded him just what had happened the night before. Grinning he turned over hoping his bed partner would have still been beside him but like the others she was gone. In a way he didn't mind them leaving but Lindz had given him one hell of a night and he secretly had hoped for a couple of rounds that morning. He sat up and groaned, rubbing his eyes looking over at the pillow. She, like all the other women he had fucked that week had left a note with her number on it. Unlike those before Lindz, Nick folded the note and laid it onto his nightstand wanting another night or two with her. She could handle the roughness he brought. 

Looking at his phone he decided to plug it in and charge it. As soon as he turned it on the constant pinging of missed calls and texts raided his ears making his head throb even harder. He laid it down and got up going to the bathroom to relieve himself and to take something for his head. He came back out and grabbed his briefs before sitting back down on the bed and picking up his now silent phone. Everyone had tried to get a hold of him. Groaning, he hit his text box with his finger right over Brian's name but decided to answer AJ instead. 

"Sorry, phone died on me." He typed and sent. 

It didn't take long for the reply. "FOR A WHOLE WEEK???!!" 

Nick sighed softly. "Sorry I just needed time."

The phone went silent and soon it was ringing. AJ had messaged the others. Sighing softly he hit the answer button knowing to get this out of the way. 

"Hello Bri." Nick sighed. 

"Where the hell are you? Do you know how worried we've all been?" Brian ignored the greeting. 

"Who shit in your cereal this morning?" Nick huffed his head easing but Brian's voice that normally would be soothing to the younger man had become grating. 

"This isn't a game, what are you doing?" 

"I'm doing what you four have been telling me to do since I was thirteen I'm growing up." Nick growled. 

"By running away without so much as a word? Yeah real mature Nick." Brian rolled his eyes. 

"You know what, fuck you and your high horse. Everyone is so happy for you. Oh Mr. Perfect is starting a family, let's celebrate." 

"Nicky..it's not.." Brian tried but was cut off. 

"NO! You listen to me! Y'all were all pissy about me going solo saying it was bad timing yet I don't hear any of them saying it's a bad time for you to start a family!" Nick snarled. 

"Starting a family is different Nick." Brian tried his eyes pricked with wetness. His voice lowered in case Leighanne was close by. "Do you know how many nights I've laid in bed worried sick?" 

Nick let out a huff of disbelief. "Well now you know I'm fine DAD." 

"Nicky…" 

"Don't Nicky me, you haven't given two shits about me or my feelings since you got married so go play house and leave me the fuck alone!" 

Brian heard the line disconnect as he pulled the phone away, tears falling as he laid his head into his arms and let himself go. Leighanne turned and laid against the wall of the hallway she hadn't meant to stop and eavesdropped but seeing her husband like this was killing her. She looked down at her stomach laying her hand over it. 

"Oh little one, I truly hope you can help your Daddy when you arrive." She whispered softly. She pushed off the wall and headed on down the hallway. 

Nick sat there with the phone in hand. In truth he was touched that Brian was worried but the hurt of being rejected still overshadowed everything as the anger filled him once again. Looking over at the folded paper he grabbed it and dialed the number. It took two rings before her sexy voice came through. 

"I can't believe you called." She said softly. 

"Last night was the best I've had since I got here. You busy?" He replied. 

"Give me twenty and I'll be there." 

Nick hung up and headed for the shower. He ordered room service along with more alcohol. True to her word, Lindz arrived and after sharing some food and a few drinks they wasted no time undressing, drinking in between to loosen Nick up like he was the night before. He learned just exactly what she had meant when she said she'd been told she had a good mouth on her as she went down on him before he flipped her over and slammed into her. 

The rest of the time Nick was there he kept Lindz by his side, neither leaving the hotel room until the last night he was there. Lindz didn't want to see him leave but he reassured her he would come calling when he was back in the area. They fucked one last time before he let her go and got ready to leave. He had to get back to the States to finish his album. 

As the weeks passed by, Brian and Nick busied themselves with other things to keep their minds off each other. Brian focused on helping his wife through the pregnancy as well as get the house and nursery ready. He also strived harder than before to make it to church, he was still trying to find his way back onto the straight and narrow but kept falling just short as his mind drifted back to the blonde in Cali each night once the bustle of the day and the silence fell over the house. Brian hated the night, his mind was no longer distracted by the day’s activities, allowing him to think, the last thing he wanted to do as he held his pregnant wife in his arms as she slept peacefully, laying there wishing it was another blonde in his arms. 

Nick finished his album and began the craziness that came with it. He was so nervous knowing he was on his own, that he didn’t have the others to hide behind any longer. One interview after another, Nick felt himself begin to grow as an artist and a person. His confidence began to soar and he was determined to prove everyone wrong, prove that he could stand on his own, that he didn’t need to be hidden in a group to find success or see his fans. Nick was enjoying the ride he was on, forgetting everything including the man who, unknown to him, was aching to be with him again.


	16. Chapter 16

It had been a long, stressful nine months with a few complications along the way, but it had all been worth it as Brian looked down at the newborn in his arms. The little boy was sound asleep and Brian couldn’t help but smile with a few tears pricking his eyes. He had a son, his own boy. He looked over at his beautiful wife smiling softly as she slept peacefully. He moved around the small room rocking the infant in his arms. 

“I love you so much Baylee.” Brian whispered softly. 

He sat down in the small chair humming softly to the small boy lost in his own world not hearing the door open. Kevin walked in and smiled seeing his cousin, he hadn’t seen the younger man this happy or content in a long time but he knew Brian was still struggling internally. He cleared his voice making Brian look up and beam proudly. 

“He’s perfect.” Brian gushed. 

Kevin chuckled and sat down next to him nodding. “He is, I’m so glad everything went okay.” 

The younger man nodded in agreement, handing the boy over to his older cousin. Kevin held him close, looking down at the small face, his own softened with his eyes lightening. Brian watching quietly, a soft smiling forming. 

“How are you and Kris doing?” Brian cautiously asked. 

Kevin sighed softly keeping his eyes on the boy in his arms. “We are still struggling but haven’t given up.* 

“I’m sorry Kev, it’ll happen, I know it will.” Brian confidently said. 

The older man looked up and smiled softly. “Thanks Bri, that means a lot.” 

Kevin and Brian went silent, the uneasiness settling between them. After a few moments, Kevin spoke once again. 

“Have you called him?” He asked. 

Brian looked down and sighed. He had called everyone but Nick. He remembered what had happened when the older man had called the blonde with the announcement and didn’t want to deal with another blow up. “No, after the blow up he had when I called to tell him about Baylee, I just didn’t want to ruin the happy moment with another argument.” 

Kevin nodded softly. “I understand that cuz, you should at least try and reach out before the media gets wind of Baylee being here.” 

“I will, I just wanna focus on my wife and son right now.” 

Their conversation was cut short by the door opening and the nurse walking in. “I need to take this handsome guy for a bit.” 

Kevin nodded and handed Baylee over to the nurse and the two men watched her head out with him. Kevin looked back towards his cousin and sighed softly seeing the sadness play in his blue eyes. 

“Bri, I hate seeing you like this.” Kevin said softly. 

“There’s nothing I can do, I made my choice.” Brian whispered softly, looking towards his sleeping wife. 

“If you say so.” Kevin huffed and pulled Brian into a hug. “Love ya cuz, I’m gonna head out. Got an early flight back.” 

Brian hugged him back and nodded. “Thanks for coming out.” 

The two men pulled away and Kevin smiled. “Of course!” 

The dark haired man stood and headed out, Brian standing and stretching as well before walking over to his wife’s bed and sitting on the edge, his hand laying over hers. She stirred in her sleep and opened her blue eyes smiling up at him. 

“Hey.” She said softly. 

“Hi, how you feeling?” He asked. 

She shifted slightly and sat up. “Better, where’s Baylee?” 

“Nurse has him, he should be back soon.” 

Leighanne sighed and laid back down, their hands still intertwined. “Are you okay?” 

Brian gave her a smile, but even she could see that it didn’t reach his eyes. “Course I am, I have a beautiful wife who has just blessed me with a beautiful son. What more could I ask for?” 

She squeezed his hand gently and looked down, biting her lip. “Brian, I need to tell you something…” 

The door opened before Leighanne could continue, the nurse smiling as she brought the little boy back to his parents. “Here we go, all nice and clean.” She handed him to Leighanne making sure he was secured in Leighanne’s arms. 

“Thank you.” Leighanne smiled, holding her boy close. 

“Anything else?” She asked. 

“No, we’re good.” Brian smiled. 

The nurse nodded and headed out, Brian putting his attention back on his wife and son. “What were you saying?” 

Leighanne shook her head and smiled. “Nothing hun.” The small family enjoyed the rest of their time together, Leighanne and Baylee would be going home in a few days and Brian couldn’t wait. 

The next couple of days was a blur for the new Dad. Between learning how to care for his son and helping Leighanne, Brian had forgotten all about the conversation he had with his cousin and never called Nick. He had just gotten Baylee out of the sink and wrapped into one of their plush towels when his phone rang. Making sure his son was secure he reached over and grabbed the ringing device not paying attention to who was calling. He hit the answer button and put it to his ear going back to drying the baby off. 

"Hello." Brian answered happily, grinning down at his boy, the phone now tucked between his shoulder and ear. 

"So you haven't forgotten how a phone works." The voice replied. 

Brian's eyes went wide as he put on Baylee's diaper and outfit for the day. "So I guess you know."

Nick scuffed as he looked at the news report on the TV. "How can I not? It's all over the news but it would have been nice to have heard it from my so called best friend." 

Brian sighed softly as he picked up the happy little boy securing him in his arms before cleaning up and heading into the living room putting his son in his bassinet. 

"I was gonna call but I got busy." Brian finally replied. 

"Yeah yet you weren't too busy to call everyone else were you? For fucks sake Brian are you really that pissed off at me?" 

"I'm not pissed at you, I just know you're busy…" Brian tried but even he knew the excuse was pathetic. 

"Whatever, if you don't want me around anymore just say so. You already tried to ruin my chances at a solo career by suing Jive. Why should I expect anything less?" 

"Nick…" Brian tried but the line disconnected before he could say anything else. He pulled the phone away and sighed, tossing it onto the table. 

Leighanne came down the staircase refreshed from her own bath seeing her husband slouched over. She sighed and walked over checking on her boy before going over and sitting next to her husband. 

"Honey?" She asked softly. 

Brian didn't say anything as he leaned over and buried himself into her arms. Leighanne held him close stroking his hair gently. 

Nick tossed his phone and sighed his heart breaking. He truly felt lost and alone once again, something he hadn't felt since the older man had came into his life and taken him under his wing. He and Brian had been inseparable, always with each other exploring the world during the day and comforting each other at night when the weight of the demands of them got to be too much along with the homesickness. 

Nick felt his anger fill him once again. Everything changed after that night. The night that was the beginning of their downfall. Yet he couldn't forget it. The way Brian looked the fear and nervousness in those blue eyes. The way he had looked after they had hit their release. The fear Nick had seen mixed with the afterglow. If the blonde hadn't been so pissed he would have been hard at the thoughts of that night. 

Once Nick calmed down he decided to no longer put his focus on the older man. He had a tour getting ready to start and fans that were looking forward to seeing him. He smiled at the idea of having the fans all to himself and was determined to give them a show they'd never forget. With his newfound decision, Nick straightened himself up and got dressed, deciding to go out on the town one last time before his tour started.


	17. Chapter 17

Sex, drugs, alcohol, and women were all Nick saw over the course of his tour. He never went on stage high or drunk remembering how AJ was but once the show was over, it was free for all and Nick ignored the dark path he was traveling. He hadn’t spoken to Brian since that day after Baylee’s birth announcement but honestly Nick hadn’t cared, he was living his best life. The weeks turned into months and though Nick hadn’t meant to let his tour last as long as it had, he was having too much fun to end it and had chosen to go around the world with it. He was in London when he got the call about surprising AJ on Oprah and knew if he went, he would more than likely have to face the older man but that wasn’t his reasoning or purpose for going. He was still feeling jet lagged from the trip but he had made it and it had been a wonderful/bittersweet reunion. The tension could be felt in the room but Nick had kept himself composed and civil towards Brian and now the five were sitting in AJ’s hotel room, they had decided to grab dinner and chat about the group and where to go. 

“So…” Howie started but unsure what to say as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

The uneasiness and worry was heavy in the room. Were they really ready to get back to it? Was there anything TO get back to? They had kept tabs on Nick’s tour so they at least knew some of the fanbase was still there, but what about the rest of the world? Had they been written off already? 

“I’m ready.” AJ broke the silence, looking at the other men he had grown to call brothers, his family. 

“Me too.” Howie nodded in agreement, looking at the three who hadn’t responded. 

The silence was long and drawn out but finally the other three nodded, Kevin biting his lip slightly. He and Kris were still struggling but she knew he was going spar not being on the stage despite the issues they were having. 

“When do we want to get this ball rolling again?” AJ asked. 

The other four looked at each other, it had been over two years since they had really spoken. Brian cleared his throat and spoke. “Bay’s first birthday is this weekend, which you’re all invited to.” 

He turned his head looking at the blonde across the way. “That means you too, it’s time you met your nephew.” 

As if a vacuum had been turned on, the tension had been sucked out of the room as Nick sat up with the biggest smile on his face. Deep down, he had been wanting to meet the little one since he had been born but things had been so fractured between the two men, Nick kept his distance. 

“I have some things I have to finish up but I should be able to make it back in time.” Nick nodded. 

The others watched with hopefulness in their eyes that Nick and Brian were on the mend even if it would be a slow healing process, this was a start. The men settled down and chatted about what had been going on since the beginning of the break before heading out for the night, hugging AJ one last time. 

Howie and Kevin were in front, Nick and Brian hanging back but the two older men didn’t mind and waited at the elevator keeping an eye out protectively. 

Brian looked up at the blonde he hadn’t set eyes on in almost two years. "I know it's too late tonight but can we talk?" 

Nick looked into Brian's blue eyes. He wanted nothing more than to lean down and kiss the older man but refrained from doing so. 

"Sure we could talk when I get back." Nick smiled. 

"Hey! We gotta go!" Howie yelled. 

Nick and Brian turned towards where the other two stood waiting and nodded before heading towards the elevator. Brian and Nick hugged their bandmates before walking towards Brian's rental. Nick waited for Kevin and Howie to leave before moving up to the older man pressing lightly against him. Brian knew he should have told Nick to back off but it had been two long years and he could feel all the work he had put into burying his feelings for the blonde push through the ground and exploded, coming back stronger than before. 

"You have no idea how much I've missed you." Nick whispered softly, a hint of need in his voice. 

Brian tried to look away but Nick's hand was too quick and pulled his head back up but the older man still averted his gaze. They were taking a huge risk being out in the open and it was making Brian that much more nervous. 

"Nick not here" Brian softly whispered. 

"Then come back with me to my hotel, please." Nick begged. 

Nick was so warm his hand still firmly placed under Brian's chin yet it still felt soft to the touch. Brian finally pulled his head away and shook it. 

"Can't gotta get to the airport. My plane leaves soon."

"You're leaving? Now?" Nick asked, shock and anger in his voice. 

Straightening himself Brian looked at the younger man sternly and nodded. "Yes, I told Leighanne I'd be home as soon as I could. I have other responsibilities now Nick." 

Brian was bracing himself for the fury but when it didn't come he cautiously looked up surprised to see the younger man had backed away.

"No big Bri, I'll see you in a few days." Nick smiled before turning and leaving the stunned man behind getting into his own rental that was parked nearby and drove off. 

Brian opened the door and slipped into his car and headed off. He had to get to the airport or he would risk missing his flight. 

Two days later, Brian found himself with a house full of people who had shown up to celebrate his boy's first birthday as his heart swelled with the love everyone had shown his son. 

He relaxed feeling a pair of arms wrap around him holding him close as he looked on. Leighanne looked in his direction as well, smiling happily. 

"He's going to be an amazing Father one day." She said softly, laying her head on his back. 

Brian’s face was soft, his eyes the lightest blue they had been in a long time as he watched the scene before him. The initial meeting between the two had been what Brian expected with Baylee burying himself as close to his Father as he could, but now, two brand new toys and a few hours later, Baylee was happily playing with his Uncle on the blanket that had been laid out on the grass. Memories flooded Brian’s mind, back to that first day he and Nick had met. The way the blonde had ran right to him and introduced himself, it was like even then the younger knew something special was about to happen between them. Baylee’s happy squeals pulled Brian back as he pulled Leighanne around from behind him, holding her close. 

“Yes, he will.” Brian finally replied. 

As the day wore on, their family and friends made sure to take their turn in spending time with the little boy before heading out. Brian and Leighanne thanking each person for coming out. As the crowd began to thin out, Brian bit his lip looking for a moment he could slip away, he still wanted to talk to Nick before he left. Leighanne saw the look in her husband’s eyes and laid her hand on his arm getting his attention. 

“Go talk to him, I’ll handle the rest of the crowd that’s here.” She said softly. 

He smiled and kissed her lovingly before moving through the kitchen into the living room, finding Nick talking to Howie and Leigh. Brian couldn’t help the grin spread onto his face, he was pretty sure the older man had found his forever when he had called asking if it would be okay if Leigh joined him, Brian and Leighanne had been more than happy to have her there. 

“Hey Brian, thanks again for letting me come with Howie.” Leigh smiled, breaking the conversation between the three as Brian moved up next to Nick. 

“No problem, we were happy to have you.” Brian replied before looking up at the man beside him. “Can we talk when you get a moment?” 

Nick hadn’t forgotten about their conversation in Chicago and nodded. “Yeah, give me just a minute.” 

Howie looked at Brian but the younger man simply smiled. “Thanks again for coming guys.” He walked over and hugged the couple before heading towards his office. 

“Babe, why don’t you let Leighanne know we are gonna head out soon.” Howie said, kissing her temple gently. 

She nodded and headed towards the kitchen leaving the two men behind. Howie looked at the blonde with a raised brow. 

“What?” Nick asked. 

“Is everything okay?” Howie asked in a slightly hushed voice. 

Nick nodded. “Yeah, he wanted to talk about something when we were in Chicago but it was too late and he had a plane to catch.” 

Howie relaxed and nodded. “Okay, I just wanted to make sure nothing serious had happened after Kev and I had left that night.” 

“You worry too much.” 

“It’s because I care and love you both.” 

Nick sighed, running his hand through his blonde hair. “Yeah, I know. I promise D, we are okay, least I hope we are. He didn’t say what he wanted to talk about.” 

“You better go find out then, specially since we are about to head back into the craziness.” 

Nick nodded and pulled his brother into his arms hugging him tight. “Thanks D.”

“Anytime Nicky, I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

The men pulled away and Nick headed off in the direction Brian had, he got slightly lost but finally came to the only door with a light on and opened it. He stepped in and closed it before turning to see Brian leaning against the front of his desk. Nick had to refrain from locking the door, damn the things he could do to Brian with him leaning back like he was. Shaking his head he took a moment to clear his head and remind himself that they were there to talk but damn did he want to do so much more. 

“Hey, was starting to think you forgot.” Brian broke the silence. 

Nick chuckled and walked over to the other man sitting down in the chair. “Sorry, D went on Daddy mode there for a moment.” 

Brian chuckled softly but it was quick and fleeting, making Nick nervous as he shifted slightly in the chair. He was now more nervous than he’d been in a long time. 

“So what did you want to talk about?” Nick asked, wanting to rid the awkwardness that was between them. 

“I just wanted to make sure we were going to be okay, that we weren’t going to bite each other’s heads off... Don’t say a thing.” Brian quickly added seeing the smirk on the other man’s face. Nick cleared his throat and straightened up, he could tell Brian was being serious and he wanted to show him that he had grown up at least in some ways being on his own like he had been since their break. 

“I want us to be okay.” Nick admitted softly. “I meant what I said the other night, I have missed you. I know I was coming off as if I had just missed the fooling around and even though I have it’s more than that. I’ve missed you, my best friend, the one who looked out for me for so long.” 

Brian lowered his head trying to keep the tears at bay, Nick’s words hitting his heart hard. He bit his lip before asking his next question. “Then why did you send me that song?” 

It was Nick’s turn to look away, red creeping up on his face. “I was angry and not thinking straight. You had hurt me and I wanted you to know it, I regretted it as soon as I clicked the send button. I should have recorded it then had it erased. I’m so sorry Brian, you have no idea how sorry I am for that song. It’s why I didn’t put it on the album and let it disappear into the darkness. I’m sure some fans have somehow gotten ahold of it and found a way to share it but it’s a song that will never see the light of day as far as I’m concerned.” 

Nick wasn’t expecting it but he suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around him and as if on auto pilot he leaned into the familiar warmth of the other man, burying himself against Brian’s chest letting the tears fall. 

“Sshhh Nicky, I know you didn’t mean it and you were angry at what I did.” Brian whispered softly, his hand running through the soft blonde locks. 

“I know it’ll take time but I want to fix this, fix us.” Nick sniffed. “I want my Frick back.” 

Brian smiled hearing the old nickname and nodded softly, placing a soft kiss on the top of Nick’s head. “And I want my Frack back.” 

After a few moments, the two men pulled away from each other, both smiling softly. Brian’s hand cupping Nick’s cheek, the younger man leaning into it, closing his eyes. Brian had to fight the urge to lean over and kiss Nick but he knew he couldn’t. They needed to fix their friendship, plus those days were over. 

“Come on, let's get you cleaned up.” Brian smiled. 

Brian pulled away and grabbed the box of Kleenex handing it to Nick. He smiled and nodded his thanks as he blew his nose and calmed down. Brian sat down in the other chair next to Nick, his hand finding the other man’s back rubbing it gently. 

“We are going to be okay Nick.” Brian said. 

“I know we will be.” Nick replied, smiling softly. 

The two men finally made their way out of the office and back into the living room. The house had gone quiet and a wave of guilt hit Brian knowing Leighanne had more than likely cleaned everything up on her own. Once they got to the front door, Nick turned around looking at the other man. 

“Thank you for letting me meet and bond with Baylee. Let Leighanne know that I’m sorry for taking you away from her and that I love her.” 

“I will.” 

Nick opened the door and headed out, Brian following him shutting the door behind him. Nick smiled softly, his hand moving up to cup Brian’s cheek hearing him sigh in contentment. 

“I love you.” Nick whispered softly. 

“I love you too.” Brian replied. 

Nick leaned down and gave Brian one of the softest kisses he had ever given and it took everything in Brian not to pull him in and kiss him harder. Nick pulled away and smiled. 

“I’ll see you next year.” 

Brian nodded softly, still slightly dazed at the softness of Nick’s lips once again against his after so long. They still had the same effect on him as they had the first time they had kissed. Nick pulled away and headed off the porch to his rental, heading down the long driveway. Brian watched until he couldn’t see the car any longer and leaned against the door sighing softly. He could still feel Nick’s lips on his and his feelings were drowning him. He finally pushed off the door and headed inside trying to calm his mind so he could get to sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

A smile graced Brian's face as he watched Nick in the recording booth. The younger man was lost in the song they were working on and for the first time Brian truly studied the blonde. The way he let his entire body sink into the music, the way his face would scrunch up when he said certain words. He was pulled out of his daydream when he felt someone sit in the chair beside him making Brian turn his head to see his cousin. Those normal bright and vibrant green eyes were dark and cloudy. Brian hated it, he hated seeing his cousin like this. There was something else swimming in Kevin's green eyes but he refused to let them in, stubborn ass. 

"Kev.." 

"Dont.." 

Brian sighed softly. "I know there's more going on then you and Kris struggling." 

"I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna focus on this album and make it the best it can be." 

The door opened before Brian could respond, both men turning to see Nick walk in grinning softly. “Next.” 

Kevin chuckled and got up. “Guess that means me.” 

Once Kevin was in the recording booth, Nick took the now empty chair next to Brian, things weren’t as strained between them but it was still slightly awkward. Knowing they couldn’t talk much with others in the room Nick turned to look at the older man. 

“How you holding up?” Nick asked. 

“Okay, It’s starting to get harder to sleep but other than that, I’m okay.” Brian replied, smiling softly at him. 

“Bri, you know…” Nick stopped seeing the look on Brian’s face. 

“Nick, you know I can’t.” Brian lowered his voice. 

Brian heard the soft sigh, it killed him but knew he had to stay strong. He couldn’t put himself back into the habit of relying on Nick to sleep, it had taken him years to break the habit he didn’t want to go backwards now. As the hours ticked by, the three men made good progress on their parts of the songs they were working on, the three having the next day off as AJ and Howie worked on their parts before coming in to do the harmonies. 

Brian opened the door to his house walking in and closing it behind him. He was worn from the long day and was ready to crawl into his bed and relax before going to sleep. The house was nothing like the mansion in Georgia, it was much smaller and in a way felt more like home with it being a two bed two bath house, much like the one he grew up in, nestled in what California had to offer in the sense of the country. It really made him feel like he was home back in Kentucky. He took his shoes off and threw his keys and wallet on the small table by the door before heading through the living room to his room. When the group had decided to reunite, Brian knew he’d be in LA for a while and instead of paying for hotel rooms he and Leighanne started looking for small homes and came across this one. It hadn’t taken long for Brian to make it his own, it had become almost like a retreat away from the world. 

He slipped out of his clothes and hopped in the shower, washing himself. He rinsed off trying to not let his mind wander too much, being close to Nick like he had been had caused his sleepless nights and prayed that the dreams would let him sleep tonight. He shut the water off and dried himself before sliding into a pair of new boxers. He let out a yawn as he ruffled his short hair and laying in bed, his eyes quickly drifting closed. 

_Brian panted hard as his hands fisted the sheets under him. His erection rubbing against the mattress under him as he was pushed down. Nick’s hands were wrapped around his hips, pulling him back against him._

_“Damn Baby, you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to be inside you.” Nick panted._

_“Fuck Nicky, feels so damn good.” Brian moaned._

_“Yes it does and I can’t wait to feel you inside me as well, damn Brian you’re so fucking tight!”_

_“I’m so close love, make me cum.” Brian begged, his breathing heavy._

_With a few more hard thrusts, Nick was covering Brian’s insides with his creaminess, Brian unloading all over the sheets under him. Nick didn’t slow down until both men were spent. The younger man pulled out of his lover and fell on the bed next to him, pulling Brian to him as they tried to calm down._

_“Shit Baby…” Nick groaned._

_Brian nodded and snuggled close to him. “So good Nicky.”_

_“Yes and I can’t wait to do it with you in real life…”_

Brian jumped awake and groaned feeling the wetness. He sighed and got up going through what had become the nightly routine, going through more boxers then he ever had, even as a teen. Once cleaned, he sat back on the bed rubbing his face. This had been the first time he had dreamed of them going there and Brian felt dirty as he rubbed his arms with his hands. 

“It was just a dream Brian, get a hold of yourself.” He whispered to himself. 

Sighing, he laid back down knowing he wouldn’t get back to sleep for a while yet. He let his mind run hoping it would run itself tired. What would it be like to open up to Nick like that? Would it be as amazing as it felt in his dreams? Shaking his head, he berated himself for even having those thoughts and sent up prayers of forgiveness begging God to end the torment he was going through, he didn’t want to sin anymore and just thinking about the blonde like he was made him feel unworthy. Brian finally fell back to sleep, thankful for the day off and that the dreams left him alone for the most part the rest of the night. 

As the year wore on, the album was coming together and they had decided to start letting the world know they were back by doing a small promotional tour in both Asia and Mexico. Brian was on the go non stop, making calls and flying home when he could, much to the others annoyance when all they wanted to do was hang out with their bandmate. Brian knew they wouldn’t understand until they had kids of their own, plus going home gave him time away from the blonde that had found his way into Brian’s dreams almost permanently. After being delayed, Never Gone was finally released along with the first single and now Brian found himself in a meeting deciding on tour stops. 

Once things were squared away and management had left the conference room, the five men looked at each other. 

“Is everything…” Kevin asked, moving his finger in the air back and forth between his cousin and the blonde. 

Brian nodded. “Yeah Kev, we’re fine.” 

"Well I for one am ready to get back out there!" AJ piped in. 

"Hopefully there's something there to go back to." Howie sighed. 

His best friend looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Why you gotta act like Kev and ruin the moment." 

"Hey!" 

Brian couldn't help the smile spread across his face. He had missed this, more than he had realized. Though the break was much needed and well past deserved being with his love and brothers once again truly was like coming home. He continued to listen to the playful bickering of his three bandmates. He had a good feeling about this tour, about the fans still being there and in a way, he was ready to show the world that they still had what it took to make a name for themselves once again. The music world had changed and they were aware of that. It was like starting all over again. The group finally headed out wanting to enjoy the month they had with their families before heading out on the road once again.


	19. Chapter 19

The tour was halfway over and though reviews of the album were negative, the fans had different opinions and it had done well along with the tour but something was amiss. Kevin wasn’t showing the same excitement he had in the past, he was on autopilot, playing a role so the fans would get their moment but it wasn’t genuine and the others knew it. They had just finished the European run and were now heading for Asia when Brian cornered the older man. 

“What’s up?” Kevin asked. 

“We were kinda wondering the same thing, you were good the first part of the tour, but now you seem to just be on autopilot.” Brian explained worry in his blue eyes. 

Kevin sighed softly looking everywhere but at the shorter man before him. “Look, there’s just a lot on my mind.” 

“Then let us help you.” Brian pleaded. “We’re all worried about you.” 

“There’s nothing you guys can do except give me some space.” 

Brian sighed but nodded moving away back towards his seat, Kevin doing the same. The rest of the flight was done in silence as was the rest of the tour and it didn’t go unnoticed by the others when Kevin quickly made his way to his plane to leave, barely saying bye. 

Brian was in the pool with Baylee when Leighanne walked out with his phone. He had left it inside so it wouldn't accidently get knocked into the pool plus he didn't want to be bothered after a long tour. It had only been four month since the tour had ended and he was soaking up each moment with his wife and boy. 

"Brian, you have a call." Leighanne said softly. 

"Tell em I'll call them back." Brian replied. 

"Babe you really need to take this." She insisted. 

Sighing Brian put his boy in his floaty before taking the towel Leighanne had outstretched to him and dried his hands before taking the device. 

"Yeah?" He answered. 

"Hey cuz." Kevin replied with a bit of hesitation in his voice. 

Brian was instantly alert to the tone and pushed himself up onto the side of the pool as Leighanne slipped in and swam over to Baylee playing with him, his little giggles filling the air. 

"Kev what's wrong?" Brian asked.

The older man went silent for far too long for Brian's liking. He finally replied and not with what Brian was expecting. 

"I need you to come to LA. I'm calling a meeting." 

Brian groaned internally. "You couldn't have called a meeting sooner?" 

"I wasn't ready then but now I am. This is important Brian and it affects you." 

Leighanne looked over seeing the annoyed look on her husband's face as she pulled Baylee and his floaty over to Brian laying her hand on his knee. Brian looked at his adoring wife and sighed. 

"I'll be on the first flight." 

"Thank you." 

The cousins hung up and Brian looked at his family. He didn't want to leave them again. What had Kevin meant when he said this meeting affected him? 

"What's going on?" Leighanne asked. 

"Kevin’s calling a meeting and he said I need to be there." 

"Then go." 

"But…" 

Leighanne shook her head. "This is obviously important or he would have told you over the phone. He needs you right now, are you gonna turn your back like they did?" 

Brian opened his mouth but closed it again. He had talked to the others about how they had acted when he went to them about needing his surgery done and even though the four had apologized Brian was still hurt over it but he knew Leighanne was right. 

"No, I'll go look at flights." 

Leighanne nodded watching him stand and head towards the house after drying off. 

"Here Daddy go?" Baylee asked. 

Leighanne smiled at her boy. "Daddy has to go bye bye for a few days." 

"Daddy be back?"

Leighanne nodded. "Yes baby, Daddy will always come back." 

Brian had caught a late flight so he could put Baylee to bed. Now he was sitting in the conference room with the others and their management team stunned at what had just been said. Leaving? Kevin was leaving? He was hearing words but they weren't registering until Nick slammed his fists onto the table. 

"So what? You come back for one album then skip out on us??!" 

“Nick…”Howie tried. 

“NO! SHUT UP HOWIE!” Nick yelled before turning back towards the man who now had his head down, tear threatening to fall. 

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US? TO ME?” 

“I want to start a family Nick.” Kevin replied. “Kris and I aren’t getting any younger and we’ve been struggling for years now.” 

The anger inside of Nick rose as his hands gripped the table. “DID YOU EVER THINK MAYBE YOU WEREN’T MEANT TO HAVE KIDS? DON’T YOU THINK YOU WOULD HAVE HAD THEM BY NOW?” 

“NICKOLAS GENE CARTER!!! THAT’S ENOUGH!” 

The room went silent as Brian’s voice suddenly rang out causing everyone to look at the brown haired man who had his eyes fixated on the blonde. 

“Kevin has every right to start a family, I know you haven’t had the best experience and we have tried to be a family to you, but you’re being very selfish right now.” 

Nick’s hands loosened but his eyes were still dark and full of anger. “What’s him leaving the group going to do?”

Brian quickly got up and took two large strides before he had Nick pinned against the table, his own blue eyes dark. “You ungrateful son of a bitch!” 

“Brian man, get off him!” AJ grunted, pulling the older man off the blonde. 

Howie quickly ran to Kevin’s side helping him out of the room as AJ and their team worked to calm Brian down, Nick storming out. Howie watched the blonde storm down the hall as he held a now crying Kevin in his arms. 

Nick sat in the VIP section of his favorite club, leaning against the leather couch, his arms laying against the back, women on each side of him, working hard to gain his attention. He had started doing cocaine a year prior and it was exactly what he needed to forget about the day and what had happened. Fuck Kevin, fuck all of them. 

He smiled seeing his favorite girl slide into his lap, his arms moving away from the others as he wrapped them around her. She smiled seeing the dirty looks. 

"Um pretty sure we were here first." Stacey huffed. 

"Yeah just because you're his favorite whore doesn't mean you own him." Mallory glared. 

Nick kept his eyes on the browned eyed woman, his hands on her hips as the others continued their bitching.

"Nickkkkk, make her leave we want you tonight." 

"Actually ladies I think I'm done here." Nick finally replied. Objections were heard as Nick and his girl headed out.

The statements had been made on the official site shaking the entire fandom to its core and Nick's wild nights out were also starting to gain attention. After working so hard to preserve the Backstreet world it felt as if the cracks had found a way back and were now splitting everything in half. With Kevin now gone, who were they? Could they make it with only four? What would the older songs sound like with Kevin not being there? 

Who were the Backstreet Boys?


	20. Chapter 20

Two days, it had only been two days and the phones hadn’t stopped. Offers to replace Kevin came in droves. From former members of other bands to a reality show, but the guys stood firm and turned them all down. Once things had calmed down after Nick's blow up, they had reassured Kevin that his spot in the group would always be there. They had decided to regroup at Brian's house to figure out where to go from here. Howie had offered to keep his phone on in case someone from Management needed to get a hold of them.The now oldest of the group had had his fill. His phone had rang at least ten times and he was done.

“They just won’t stop.” Howie growled, shutting his phone off. “It’s only been two dam...dang days.” 

Leighanne looked up from the floor and smiled softly at the slight blush on the man’s face. “Sorry Leighanne.” 

She couldn’t help the giggle that escaped as Baylee played fully unaware of what his Uncle had almost said. “It’s okay Howie.” 

Brian’s face was soft watching Howie sit on the floor and interact with his son. Baylee grinned as he chatted his Uncle’s ear off but Howie being who he was was patient with the young boy, listening to his ramblings and responding. 

Baylee looked up and grinned seeing AJ sitting down next to Howie. He leaned over and handed his Uncle his other car. 

"Now we race!" Baylee announced. 

"You heard him AJ." Howie grinned, setting his car next to the little boy's. 

The tattooed man chuckled and did the same. The two men raced with their nephew across the floor. 

"I win!" The little boy grinned before being pulled into AJ's arms and tickled, his squeals filling the room.

Brian jumped slightly feeling a soft tap on his shoulder. He turned around and smiled softly. 

"You okay?" He asked. 

Nick nodded softly. He and AJ were really struggling with Kevin's departure and Brian had tried to be there for the younger man a bit more than he had been. Their relationship was growing once again but there were still some areas that were fractured. 

"Can I talk to you?" Nick asked. 

"Sure bud." Brian nodded. 

The two stood up bringing the attention of the others, Leighanne fixating her eyes on her husband. 

"We'll be right back." Brian smiled as they headed out leaving an awkward silence between the three adults left behind. 

They walked down the hall in silence before making their way into Brian's office. He hadn't gotten the door closed when he felt Nick push against him kissing him hard. Brian tried to fight it at first pushing on the other man's chest to get him off but one lick of Nick's skilled tongue across Brian's lips and the older man gave in, wrapping his arms around Nick pulling him closer. Nick sighed happily feeling his love give in and pushed against those soft lips he had missed, Brian opening his mouth. 

After what seemed like forever Nick pulled away both panting hard. He laid his forehead against Brian's. He loved seeing the other man like this knowing he was the reason for the flushed face, the heavy breathing. 

"Nick…" Brian panted. 

"I'm sorry, I just miss you." Nick sighed, closing his eyes. " I hate being so close to you yet you seem so far away." 

"We..we can't go back. You know that. Why do you keep holding on?" He whispered. 

"Because I love you and I know deep down you don't want me to stop reminding you that you love two people." The blonde replied. 

"No" Brian shook his head, "NO NO NO!!! This is wrong Nick, it's a sin." 

Nick went silent and pushed away from him, Brian letting out the breath he had been holding in. 

"I can't believe you're still on that." Nick shook his head. 

"I think we should call it a night." Brian replied, ignoring what Nick had said. 

Watching Brian move away from the door and opening it Nick walked out before turning to look at the man who was speaking louder with his eyes then his own words. 

"You know you'll crack one day, let's just hope I haven't moved on." 

With that Nick disappeared down the hall and back into the living room to let the others know he was heading out Howie and AJ deciding to do the same. 

Leighanne got Baylee tucked into bed before going to look for her husband who hadn't reappeared since the others had left and found him curled up on the floor of his office, his head buried against his knees.

Leighanne sat down next to him, her hand finding his back but even her soft touch hadn't registered with the younger man. She sighed softly and pulled him into her arms, his body going limp against her. 

The next few weeks were a blur for Brian. They were in Tennessee working on the new album but nothing was coming together, every song sounded wrong and the group was more lost now more than ever. 

It didn't help things with Nick and Brian at each other's throats throwing them into a cat and mouse game that even Howie and AJ were tired of. It was like the two men had gone back to square one and it was wearing thin on the other two. AJ groaned as he listened to Nick and Brian begin to squabble like a couple of kids, Howie trying to play peacemaker once again. 

"Nick this sounds nothing like us." Brian argued. 

"Hey we agreed to go a different route to rebrand ourselves or did you forget that's why we didn't go to Max." Nick growled in return. 

Howie groaned and rubbed his face looking at his best friend silently pleading for help. AJ held up his hands and Howie knew he was on his own. 

"Look we've been at this for awhile how bout a break." Howie suggested. 

"Good idea." Nick nodded quickly getting up and heading outside. 

Howie sighed in relief looking at the man still sitting. 

"What the hell happened between you two? Howie asked. 

"Nothing, he's just being a baby." Brian replied. 

"The only baby I see is you." AJ snorted before getting up and going out after Nick. 

Howie sat down in the chair Nick had been in and looked at the brown haired man. 

"What happened?" He simply asked. 

“Nick kissed me.” Brian mumbled. 

Howie raised a brow. “Seriously? That’s what all this about?” 

Brian glared at the other man. “It’s not that simple, I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” 

“Brian, don’t you think this has been going on long enough? I mean, it’s not that bad.” 

“Of course you wouldn’t think it’s bad, you’re not in my situation. It goes against everything I stand for.” Brian sighed. 

Howie reached out and laid his hand over Brian’s. “Brian, we’ve been taught that God doesn’t make mistakes. If this is who you are, this is how you were meant to be.” 

“But…” 

“Just think about it.” 

Brian watched Howie get up, giving him a soft encouraging smile before heading out to check on the two youngest leaving Brian with his thoughts. After a while, the door reopened gaining Brian’s attention as he turned seeing his bandmates rejoin him. The tension had eased slightly and they were able to get some work done without much issue. 

By dinner, the tension had left and the four men were in a joyful conversation with one another, finally getting excited about this new direction they were going with the new album. When they got back to the hotel, the four separated and headed to their rooms, Brian’s mind still running as he got ready for bed, Howie’s words still racing. Would it really be okay to be with both Nick and Leighanne?


	21. Chapter 21

The album was almost finished when they got the call. There was a new Backstreet baby, another boy. The guys were in Cali already but they gave Kevin and Kris a few days to settle at home before flying Leighanne and Leigh out along with Baylee to meet the new addition. Now they were all gathered around the newest member of their growing family. 

"Ason!" Baylee pointed. 

Leighanne chuckled and nodded. "Yes Bubba, that's your new cousin Mason." 

"He's beautiful." Leigh gushed. 

"Thank you." Kristin replied, her eyes soft as she looked at her son. 

Leighanne sat Baylee down and watched him toddle over to the couch and climb up looking at the Mason. 

"Baylee be careful." 

"I wills!" Baylee grinned at his Mother. 

While the girls cooed over Mason and kept an eye on Baylee, Kevin had the others around him as they caught him up on what had been going on, but the tension could still be felt between the oldest and youngest. 

“So the new album is almost done?” Kevin asked. 

“Yes” Howie nodded, “and let me tell ya, it was rough getting to this point.” 

Kevin chuckled softly. “Well, I’m sure it’ll be amazing and I can’t wait to listen to it.” 

“We'll make sure you get a copy.” AJ nodded. 

“Do you have a title for it yet?” 

“No, we were throwing ideas back and forth but nothing has stuck.” Brian sighed. 

The silence fell heavy among the four, it was the first time they had been in the same room together since Kevin’s announcement of his departure. Kevin looked around realizing they were one man down. 

"Where's Nick?" He asked. 

The others looked around as well confused and now worried. They had been so wrapped up in the going ons they hadn't realized their youngest member had slipped off. 

It took Kevin a few moments before speaking. "Give me a sec." 

He turned and headed for the kitchen, his eyes soft seeing Mason in Leigh's arms and Baylee practically glued to his cousin. Kristin looked up seeing her husband walking by. 

"Kev, what's wrong?" She asked causing the other girls to look up. 

"Nothing we are just missing one." He replied smiling as he headed out of the living room and towards the backdoor. The girls had also been wrapped up in their own world and hadn't noticed the blonde missing either. 

Kevin moved across his backyard and to the dock where his boat sat docked. He had just made it onto the wooden platform when he heard Nick's voice. 

"Didn't think anyone was gonna notice." 

Not responding Kevin simply boarded the boat and sat down next to the other man letting the fresh air and breeze from the water run over them. 

"How long?" Kevin asked. 

The sigh didn't go unheard. "Please don't start on me. I already have the others on my ass."

Kevin kept his eyes forward, the boat gently rocking from the small waves rushing up under it and back out again. 

"I'm not gonna lecture you, I'm worried though. You're showing the same signs Alex did once we finally caught on." 

Nick bit his lip of course Kevin caught on. Ever since AJ's own issues Kevin had been paying much closer attention to all of them before he left. 

"I just needed something to numb the pain." Nick whispered. 

"Brian?" 

Nick nodded. "Not just him but my family issues as well. They've gotten so toxic I've all but cut them out." 

Nick looked over at the older man with tears threatening to fall." Why can't I fix my family? Why can't they love me for me?" 

Kevin didn't have an answer for him he hadn't grown up like Nick had so he did the one thing he knew would help the younger man and pulled him into his arms letting the blonde sob against his chest. 

“I..I just want to be loved.” Nick sobbed, his arms wrapped around the other man, hugging him tightly. 

Kevin’s heart broke into a million pieces, his fingers running through soft, blonde hair. He hated seeing anyone he loved like this. “Nick, you are loved. Oh you are so loved.” 

“Then why do I feel so alone?” Nick asked, looking up at him. 

Kevin reached up and wiped the tears gently away from Nick’s eyes. “Because the person you want to be happy with is being a stubborn ass.” 

He felt Nick lean back against his chest and sighed softly. “Why did he have to do what he did? He had to know this was going to blow up in his face.” 

Biting his lip, Kevin wasn’t sure how much to reveal to the younger man. He had no clue if Brian had told Nick just how far back his affection for the blonde really went. The heavy sobs and tight hold gave Kevin his answer. 

“Because he’s cared and loved you for a long time.” Kevin answered. 

Nick pulled away looking at the green eyed man. “What?” 

Kevin sighed, he knew there was no backing out now. “Since day one, that day you ran out to the truck to introduce yourself. You sparked something in him I’ve never seen my cousin take to someone like he did to you.” Kevin took a breath before continuing. “Then he was handed guardianship over you because your parents didn’t want to be bothered with coming with us and it not only scared him but pissed him off. He didn’t understand how a parent could act like that, he wasn’t raised like that. Then you started to grow into yourself and he started seeing you differently which scared him even more, you hit eighteen and he caved.” 

Nick wiped his face and sighed. “Sometimes I wish I hadn’t opened the door that night.” 

“You know he broke down in my arms afterwards.” 

Nick’s eyes went wide and Kevin nodded. “He was so sure you’d hate him afterwards.” 

“I could never hate him, even when I tried, deep down I really didn’t.” 

They went silent letting everything that had been said process before Kevin spoke. “You stay here and calm down, I’ll be right back.” 

Not having the energy to argue, Nick simply nodded and watched the older man step out of the boat and head back up to the house. Twenty minutes later, Nick watched the entire family head down to the dock, Baylee’s little giggles floating through the wind and Brian chasing after him, picking him up and laughing, Nick’s face softened. He loved Brian and knew he always would. The family piled into the boat, Kevin untying it from the dock and started it up, driving his family out to the open water. 

Now, Nick found himself not only back home on the water but suddenly in it as he flared and worked his way back to the surface to hear the laughter of the others and a shit eating grin from Howie. 

“HOWARD!!” Nick yelled. 

“THAT’S FOR THE LATEST PRANK!” Howie yelled back before feeling himself being pushed into the water, Leigh squealing as he grabbed her both falling into the water. Brian grinned as he grabbed Leighanne and jumped in with her, Leighanne screaming the entire time. AJ shrugged and cannonballed himself into the water. Kevin chuckled and scooped Baylee into his arms jumping in as well. Kristin laughed happily as she moved over to the edge watching the family she had helped create enjoy themselves, keeping Mason safe in her arms. 

The rest of the day was spent on the water with each other and when night began to fall onto the world, they made their way back to the house where Kevin started the fire pit where hotdogs and marshmallows were roasted and songs were sung. It was late when everyone began to file out but Kevin didn’t care, it had been a great day and if he had it his way, it would have never ended. Once everyone was back in the cars they had come in, Kevin hugged Nick tight. He knew the younger man was still struggling but he at least liked to think he had helped keep his mind off the demons that were plaguing his youngest brother. 

“Thanks Kev, for everything.” Nick said. 

“I’ll always be here for all of you, you know that.” Kevin replied. Nick nodded and headed down to where the cars were getting in. Kevin and Kristin watched their loved ones drive off before going inside to get settled for bed knowing Mason would need another feeding in a few hours. 

It had been hours since Nick had gotten back to the hotel and even though the day had been one of the best in a long time and his mind had been occupied, the stillness and silence of the room had quickly brought back all the memories and the demons that came along with them, his body reminding him that it needed its fix. He was trying so hard to fight his body and mind, but both had finally won out and he made a few phone calls before getting dressed and slipping out to meet up with his friends and give his body what it craved.


	22. Chapter 22

It was a call he wasn’t expecting, yet here he was up in bed, phone to his ear as Howie’s words swarmed his head. Nick had overdosed, even worse, he had almost died from it. Leighanne had checked on Baylee in the other bed before climbing back into theirs, her arms around him holding him close. She could only hear one end of the conversation but she didn’t like what her husband’s body language was telling her. 

“Brian, he’s calling for you.” Howie said. 

“I..I can’t leave Leighanne and Baylee here alone.” Brian argued. 

Howie sighed softly. “I think Leighanne can handle your son for a bit, you need to be here.” 

“Brian..” Leighanne said softly, getting him to turn his head and holding up a finger. 

She went silent watching the emotions run across his face, her heart was breaking seeing him hurting like he was, she wished she hadn’t waited so long. After a few more minutes, she heard Brian say bye and hang up, tossing his phone onto the bed. 

She sat up and nuzzled him gently, his silence scaring her. “Brian, what happened?” 

“He overdosed..” Brian whispered. “He...It almost killed him.” 

“Then what are you doing here? Go now!” Leighanne sternly stated. 

Brian shook his head. “I can’t leave you everytime he fucks up.” 

“BRIAN THOMAS LITTRELL YOU LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW! THAT’S YOUR BROTHER FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE, GET YOUR ASS DRESSED AND GO!” 

Brian’s eyes went wide as he quickly stood up and backed away, Leighanne rarely raised her voice. 

“Mommy?” Baylee’s sleepy voice broke through. 

Leighanne quickly got up and moved over to her boy. “I’m sorry baby, Mommy didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

Baylee snuggled into her lap and quickly went back to sleep as Leighanne looked up at her still stunned husband and sighed softly. Once Baylee was laid back down and settled, she got up and moved over to her love, her arms going around him. He sagged slightly against her, his body beginning to shake. 

“Baby, he needs you. He’s always needed you.” She spoke softly. “That’s never going to change and I know it’s not going to change for you either.” 

Brian looked up at her, his eyes stained with tears. She smiled and wiped them away gently. “Brian, I know. I know you love him and it’s clear the feelings are mutual.” 

Brian’s legs almost collapsed under him. She knew? How the hell could she know? "Wh..what?"

She chuckled softly, her thumb running across his cheek. “When you are around others long enough you pick up on things, I was just waiting for you to tell me.” 

His mind was on overload, all this time. All the years wasted, he could have been with both of them this entire time and now realized the idea of losing one of them was unbearable for Brian to even think about. 

The older woman pulled him to her and kissed him gently, feeling him respond as she continued to hold him. They pulled away Leighanne looking into his eyes that were now full of guilt and fear. 

“No, don’t think about anything right now. We can talk about things once we know Nick is going to be okay. For now, please go be by his side. He needs you.” 

Brian didn’t need any more encouragement and quickly got dressed grabbing his phone along with his wallet and keys looking back at his wife. 

“Go Brian, call me when you know more.” 

Brian was gone leaving his wife and son behind to go be with his other love, his first real love. He tried to stay calm as he drove to the hospital, he had texted Howie before hand letting the older man he was on his way, Howie promising to meet him out front. 

“How is he?” Brian asked, meeting Howie at the doors. 

“Awake thank God, he knows you’re coming.” Howie replied. 

Nodding, the younger man followed Howie to the elevators and stood in silence as it took them up to Nick’s floor. They walked down the hall and it didn’t take long for him to be engulfed in his cousin’s and AJ’s arms. 

“He was so pissed you weren’t gonna come.” Kevin said. “Honestly, I was about to come get your ass myself.” 

Brian sighed softly. “I’m sorry guys, I’m here now though.” 

“We’ll let you guys have some space.” AJ said, moving away from the door. 

Taking a breath, Brian stepped towards the door and opened it, slipping inside before closing it. He looked over and saw Nick laying on his side, his back to him. He quietly walked over to Nick’s bed, trying to ignore the beeping of the machines around him. 

“Nick..” Brian said softly. 

“So you decided to show up?” Nick gruffed. 

Brian sat down in the chair that was beside the blonde’s bed and sighed softly. “I’m sorry Nick, this was the last thing I expected at 5am in the morning. To hear my best friend is in the hospital and had almost died from an overdose.” 

“So what? Is this the part where you lecture me? Where you tell me how stupid and childish I’m being?” Nick asked, defeated and agitated. His body was screaming and it was taking everything in him not to rip the IVs out and run. 

“No.” Brian answered. “This is the part where I tell you I love you and I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve put you through over the years.” 

Nick froze, his entire body went stiff. He hadn’t heard those words fall from Brian’s mouth in years, not in that way. The silence fell heavy between them, neither daring to move afraid the spell that had just been cast would break and reality would set back in. 

After what seemed like forever, Brian’s voice filled the air once again. “Nick, she knows. I don’t know how long she’s known but she’s the one who kicked my ass to get here. She was actually pissed off at me for telling Howie I wasn’t coming.” 

Nick didn’t move, he didn’t dare to. He kept his back towards the older man not wanting him to see the hope that had now filled not only his heart but his eyes as well. It wasn’t until he heard the chair scoot back and the shift in weight on the bed did Nick turn to face Brian for the first time since he got there. 

“She knows?” Nick meekly asked. 

“Yes.” Brian nodded. 

Nick carefully scooted over making room for the other man and Brian needed no other invitation as he laid beside his love and wrapped his arm around him, nuzzling into his neck gently, Brian was home. 

The next few days were rough, Nick’s withdrawals were strong and violent to the point where the doctor had ordered him to be restrained at all times. It killed Brian to see his love like this but knew it was being done to keep them all safe. Leigh had gone back home and Leighanne was preparing to do the same. Things had been awkward between the couple but Leighanne had been insistent on keeping the focus with Nick and his recovery before anything else. 

Nick was released a few days later and he felt like his old self once again he was excited to be going home but it made the others worry. 

“Nick you sure you’ll be okay?” Howie asked. 

“Yeah.” Nick smiled brightly. “I promise I’ll get ahold of Kevin or Alex if I feel myself slipping.” 

Brian looked at the younger man, he was worried himself but he needed to get back to Georgia, he needed to talk to Leighanne about everything before the craziness began again. He was still convinced he would be walking into their beautiful house greeted with divorce papers and his bags packed. 

“Nick…” Brian said softly. 

The blonde moved over to Brian keeping an eye on his surroundings, Howie doing the same. 

“I swear, I’ll be okay. Go home and talk to your wife about things then call me okay?” Nick said, his voice low. 

Brian gulped but nodded softly looking into Nick’s blue eyes. They were once again bright and clear, something Brian had missed so much. “I love you.” 

“I love you too and I’ll talk to you soon.” 

The three men hugged, Nick squeezing Brian’s hand reassuring him that he was there. Brian smiled and squeezed back before they boarded their planes and headed home. Nick watched until he couldn’t see them any longer, his heart already aching but knew Brian needed to go home and talk to Leighanne about what had happened, praying things were finally going to work out. 

Hours later, Brian found himself on his front porch staring at the door he had walked through so many times but now was too afraid to touch the knob. When the taxi pulled up,Brian had half expected to be transported into one of those movie scenes with his clothes thrown out into the yard. He was relieved to discover that hadn't been the case and now he had to chuckle to himself thinking about the scenario. 

Taking a breath he finally reached over and turned the knob opening the door and walking in. The smell of food hit his senses instantly and his body relaxed. A small sliver of hope filled Brian when he didn't see his bags at the door as he moved through the foyer to the kitchen leaning against the wall taking in the scene before him. His beautiful wife was cooking up a storm while Baylee played nearby. 

The tranquility of the room was broken by Baylee's happy squeals once he looked up and saw his Father standing in the doorway. 

"DADDY!!" 

Brian chuckled as he watched his son run to him his little arms wrapped around his leg, Brian picking him up and holding him close. 

"Issed you Daddy." Baylee said softly. 

"Missed you too Bubba." 

He walked over to his love and smiled seeing her turn to look at him. "Dinner is almost ready."

Brian stayed quiet but nodded and got Baylee settled in his seat before helping his wife set the table. She laid her hand on his arm making him look at her. 

"Tonight after we get Bay down." She said softly. 

"Okay." 

The family sat down and ate but it wasn't the same. The tension and fear was thick despite the couple's attempt to keep things light for their son's sake. Leighanne gave Brian some space and let her husband spend time with Baylee, getting lost in her own thoughts. 

Finally Baylee was down for the night and the two headed to their room, the anxiety high and dense. Changed for bed, Brian sat down, his eyes focusing on his hands. He felt the bed shift with her weight but he didn't dare look up. He watched as her hands appeared laying over his. 

"Brian, look at me please." Leighanne pleaded softly. 

“How can I? How can you even look at me?” Brian muttered. 

“Well, that’s easy. I love you.” 

Brian shook his head, tears slipping down his face. “How? How can you love someone who…” Brian couldn’t finish his sentence, he hadn’t even fully accepted that he was in fact Bi and loved someone else other than his wife. 

“I’ll admit it’s a bit rattling, especially with how we were both raised and it’s gonna take me some time but I don’t want you to hide a part of who you are.” 

Brian sighed softly, his hands tightening around hers. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, I was so sure I would be handed papers when I got home.” 

“Oh husband, I would never throw away what we’ve built like that. I would work through things first.” 

“I should have known that, I just…” Brian sighed. 

“I know, you weren’t thinking straight. I would like to talk to Nick however.” 

Brian nodded in understanding. “I want you two to talk. Curious though, how long have you known?” 

Leighanne sighed. “The day we were in the pool...I..I heard you call his name.” 

Brian looked up at her, eyes wide. She had heard him. “I wish you would have said something, anything.” 

“I’m sorry, I honestly thought I misheard but then as I went on tour with you guys and saw how you two acted with each other and simply put two and two together. I was so angry at first, I was so sure you were cheating on me.” 

“What changed?” Brian asked. 

“Your struggle, the way you were trying to fight it, the way you were distancing yourself from them. It broke my heart because I didn’t want to see you push them away, I never wanted that. Then 9/11 happened and you were glued to me, not that I minded because I know I’ve been there for every tour but you wouldn’t even pull away from me.” Leighanne replied. 

“I’m sorry, that day just scared me.” 

“I know it did and then actually losing someone didn’t help matters.” 

“No.” 

The couple went silent letting everything process between them before Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “So, where do we stand?” 

She leaned over and pushed him down, kissing him lovingly, crawling over him. Brian responded and wrapped his arms around her. Hands roamed over bodies as they reconnected with one another, giving Brian his answer. They were going to be okay, they would work through this like they had everything else life had thrown at them.


End file.
